Family Adventure

Tonight we embark on our first real family vacation. We plan on leaving at 10pm in hopes that the kids will sleep for the 1st half of our travel. We hope to be in NC around breakfast time to see my Aunt Millie. Aunt Millie is the last surviving family member of my Grandpa's. We have not seen her since she was here days before Grandpa passed away. Oh how I miss him. He would get such a kick out of the kids. Especially Jackson!

So much to be grateful for this Christmas season. I plan on writing each day during our trip in hopes to make a Good Adventure story from it in an upcoming issue. Considering "My Story" will be featured in our Jan/Feb issue I hope to not "over due" it on the food and I plan to get some exercise considering I will not be back in the studio until the 6th of January.

It wouldn't be a Holiday without some family drama. Greg and I are working it out with our Lord about seeking forgiveness regardless of what may come of it. We must be obedient. Greg knows the mistakes he has made in his flesh but spiritually he wants nothing more than for all of us to be together and enjoy his family. This is a healing that only God can mend, so thank goodness he's in the restoring business!

"Forgiveness holds no record". We must remember this and take up our cross daily!

How do you know?

How do you know it's God's still small voice in your head? How do you know? Is it just me and my own thoughts? We've had some unfortunate news about our trip to Virginia. All has fallen into place incredibly. Like God Sized amazing! The 2 bedroom suite on trade, the house/pet sitter, the money coming in, the car getting fixed, and it goes on and on. Every good gift is from HIM. Well today we found out that our hotel has had a huge flood from a frozen pipe and the hotel will be closed until after the 1st of the year. Uh oh! Now what? There are options to go to other Marriott hotels nearby and they could very well agree to the same accommodations, BUT, is this God telling us NOT to go? How do you know? And here I go searching for the WHY's in a circumstance. Maybe it just IS. It's so crazy to me how Greg gets a bunch of money today, all else false into place, and now the hotel gets pulled just days away. UGH.

As our home group read out of the book of James tonight... "My brother, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

I like the NKJ version. I like the word "patience". The NIV uses "perserverance".

I like it too.

Freedom

I wanted to copy and paste what my husband recently posted on his facebook page. He asked everyone to comment about what "forgiveness" means to them. To define it. What does it look like, etc... He received so many comments, publicly and privately. It's been awesome to read. His response today really touched me because I have my own challenges with Forgiveness. I used to say early on when I was saved that "I didn't do anything wrong, why does Jesus forgive me". I would say things like, "I didn't murder or abuse or steal". Then I was reminded of a choice I made when I was 16 years old. It's not something I would ever mention or think about. It was an act that I have stuffed so far deep inside that I wouldn't ever speak the word. I don't remember feeling shame or guilt or anything about it though. I felt nothing. I justified by saying it was the best decision for me in my life. To Jesus it was murder.

So today I'm remembering the forgiveness that I have been given and I receive and am so eternally grateful for.

from Greg...."I would like to put out a challenge so to say...an encouragement...if you will. Read through all of these responses and feel the love in there. Forgiveness is a NEED we all have and a want that goes more often than not... unsatisfied.

If there are people or situations in your life that need some Forgiveness, This year for Christmas GIVE that gift of Forgiveness. Release yourself and others from the burdens that hold us back and keep us from being free in our own skin. . I love the way Jenny Farmer put it "Thank you FOR GIVING" me that experience". What is our experience? We either grow or we stay stuck, it IS our own to have, to hold, or to let go of. Experiencing first hand the true power in forgiving and being forgiven is not even life changing, it is Life Altering. I pray that we all learned from this. I had no idea what to expect when I put it out there but it is undeniably so real and so vital in peoples hearts and lives, Let's step out and at least start the process of forgiveness this holiday season. If you think it can't be fixed or resolved....try really just laying down the hammer and nails and just FORGIVE. Even if the person we most need to forgive is ourselves. We are not made to live a prisoner to pain. FORGIVENESS. Try it. Give it. Receive it. Hearts will melt, relationships will be restored and people will be set free either us as the giver of forgiveness or the receiver of someone else's in return.

It isnt even that life is too short to hold grudges....Life cannot be lived to its fullest without freeing what is holding us captive. Please this year, we are all broke(n)...financially and spiritually bankrupt in many cases....we could change the world if everyone would give forgiveness and be forgiven. What a better time of year to do this? What a way to end a decade and begin a new one. Free. Truly free...

Thank you for answering, Thank you for sharing, Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for the love but Most importantly Thank You Lord for Forgiving me and setting me free and then sending me back out to help others who need to know the Freedom of Forgiveness. I am humbled beyond expression.

Merry CHRISTMAS everybody! For-Give the best gift this year!!! It really is the only gift that will keep on Giving........."

Waiting on God

So what do you do while you wait on God? Read a book? Dance? Talk on the phone? And how long exactly does it take? You know, this is the hardest part. And my husband wants me to continue to plan and move forward as if there is no problem or care in the world about money. He wants us to move forward because he knows that God will provide. I mean, to know with that certainty. Well, I've always said that he has a bat phone directly to God.

How do I find the peace though in the waiting. I want to know NOW. Are we going or not? If I ask Greg he says "why of course we are going, why wouldn't we be". Maybe because we don't have any money and you haven't been paid in a few weeks. UGH.

When this started a few weeks back we needed a specific number to be able to do what we want to do with Christmas, gifts and our trip to Virginia, oh, and bills, cannot forget the bills. We needed a number. Now we are 800 closer to that number. God is moving and God is providing. Miracle after miracle has happened over the last few weeks. So why do I have a little bit of doubt still? I think it talks in MARK about a father that asks God, "God, I believe, now help me with my unbelief". So true. Yet, our Heavenly Father knows this. And it's ok. He loves us unconditionally, even in our unbelief.

It sucks in the waiting

Yes, I said it. It Sucks! Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. I went from Praising HIM yesterday to today still praising HIM but a little frustrated. God always, always comes through, but the waiting sucks. There isn't much I can do except work on the magazine and hope that it's better than the last one. But that's for January. We need some serious fixing today. Right now. I know that all things work for the good for those that love HIM, I know this in my heart, but sometimes my mind gets the best of me and I let the enemy rent some space for a few moments. Sometimes those moments can turn into minutes and next thing I know I'm ranting and raving and shaking my fist up to God. YET, yet, I am still grateful. Jesus is my provider not GMH, Jesus! I am content regardless of my circumstances.

What an awesome e-group tonight. I am so thankful for the friends in my life. I am so excited to be doing life with the H-apostles. I love that name. It's a funny story. All of us in our group have last names that begin with H. So, we've come up with the H-apostles. hhaaa-apostles. Get it?

I hope and pray that we get to Virginia for Christmas. Lord, you know the desires of our hearts and YOU are our provider. If going to Virginia is in YOUR will, then please open the doors so we can walk in YOUR will. If it truly doesn't make sense and it isn't the best decision for our family and to Glorify YOU, then please, tell us. Close doors, make it so clear. But until that moment comes, we will walk the walk and act as if. It's about you God, YOU.

My new header...

I am so in love with it that I cannot stop looking at it. It makes me feel so good when I see it. I feel love and peace and new found beauty. Thanks so much to Jessica for her generosity and creativity. She is so talented and so giving. I love you girl!

I feel inspired to keep up with my little blog here. I visit some incredible blogs throughout my day and some of these women are so gifted in writing. I can't even come close to telling such a story with words. What I can do is just be honest and pour out what is in my heart. It doesn't necessarily have to be pretty, it's just good to get it out. This is my own neck of the blog world and I'm going to make the best of it here.

My husband started a blog. Check it out. Freedom of Forgiveness.

He's moving...

God is definitely moving in our lives these days. Greg and I are facing some major adversity and yet in the midst of it all the storm is so calm and I have such contentment in my life. To be honest, I am so happy. Peace that surpasses all understanding. Seriously! I know what that feels like. I cannot explain it though. I am very grateful for our situation even though it totally doesn't look pretty.

We are still planning and talking about Virginia. We live by Faith, so by Faith we believe that all will come together and we will be leaving for Virginia on Christmas day. Wow, what a gift that will be. My mom totally doesn't get it. I guess I understand. Sort of. When I didn't live by Faith and only lived by Fear then I didn't get it either. She says that we don't live in reality. If she only knew what this feels like. I pray that she will know one day. I would take my worst day walking with the Lord then my best day not with the Lord. I told her today that I would rather live by Faith and Hope and Trust that all things will work out for us than live the life she lives in Fear or never doing anything because "oh, I don't have the money today". We didn't have the money we needed for our power bill on Friday - then by the Grace of God it gets paid on Monday morning. That was only God. No body else could of pulled that off.

How can you not believe?

I've seen God move so much lately and it is incredible to witness. AND, if all things work out for Christmas and our trip then what a witness this will be and how God will be so Glorified. I pray that God, and God only will be seen so huge in our situation right now. It doesn't look pretty, but I believe Lord, I Trust YOU. I do not wait on man but I wait on you.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Skeptic, Intellectual, Curious

I'm going to leave this information here on my blog because I want to have it organized and for it not to get lost. But maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there in Blogworld that isn't a believer. Maybe they have wondered what their purpose is here on earth, or maybe have thought, "hmm...possibly". Could there be someone that drops by me little blog and sees something written for skeptics or the very smart that are too intellectual to even consider the possibility that HE is real and lives today. Maybe, just maybe?

I learned about a man last night by the name of Josh Mcdowell. He actually has an incredible story. A very sad childhood. And later grown to be an agnostic believing that any God had turned his back on him and there would be no way that Jesus existed. In college he thought there was no way that man arose from the dead three days later. His intellectual mind could not get around that idea. So Josh was challenged to research intellectually and Josh discovered in his research the unmistakable evidence that Jesus is Lord!

On his website under Evidence for the Resurrection there are many resources. All the way towards the bottom under FREE ebooks there is one titled "Skeptics who Demanded a Verdict". This 100 page ebook includes the stories of C.S. Lewis, Josh himself and Charles Colson who served as special counsel for Richard Nixon during Watergate. Colson was charged and indited for something unrelated to Watergate.

So, I cannot wait to dive into this ebook that I'll probably finish tonight.

I find these stories fascinating. Primarily because there are so many days that I, myself, cannot get my head around some of the biblical facts. Some of it just makes no sense at all. Yet, I know it to be true. I live by Faith today and I know that God will give me all the understanding I need in HIS time!

Made to Crave

I love this book. Once it's released in January, I highly recommend it. Here is a glimpse from what I read today...

"It is good for God's people to be put in a place of longing so they feel a slight desperation. Only then can we be empty enough and open enough to discover the holiness we were made for. When we are stuffed full of other things and never allow ourselves to be in a place of longing, we don't recognize the deeper spiritual battle going on."

I mean, what a statement; "We need to be empty enough and open enough to discover the holiness we were made for." Do I even have any idea what I am made for? I know I am made to bring and give God glory. That is my only purpose on this earth. Yes, in my worldly ways, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife and a friend, but in those daily walks that I bear, am I glorifying God? Not even close. I fail miserably every.single.day. Yet his Mercy is new every.single.day. Do I get that? I forget it just as easily.

I was made for more. I am starting to get THAT. I get up early and hit the studio and I realize how important that task is for my day. It is huge. Vickie said today that getting there is 90% of it.

Yes - I'm getting there!

Thankful

I am thankful that Greg and I have weathered the storms in our marriage.

I am thankful for our greatest gifts, our children.

I am thankful that Bella has her daddy.

I am thankful that Bella is in love with her daddy.

I am thankful for our family. Our Harvey family five.

I am thankful for my mom and her way of making up for my shitty childhood. She is doing some amazing things with my children and giving them happy memories to remember.

I am thankful that I have been able to get up for a 6am kick boxing class the past 3 weeks. Praying for another years worth of early morning wake ups.

I am thankful for my friendship with Jessica. Oh, so thankful. God, she is keeping me grounded and always keeping it real for YOU!

Thankful for GoodLiving and Pam's dedication and for giving me the opportunity to join her on this mission.

I am thankful that we still have our home. God willing, we will have it a bit longer.

I am so very thankful for my Bible and the many marks and highlights in it.

I am thankful for scriptures that have been layed on my heart; although, I cannot remember one of them at this moment.

I am thankful that my husband is also my best friend and he loves me for me, every hundred(s) of pounds of me.

I am thankful for my favorite blogs.

Great is Thy Faithfulness. Thank you Father!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Great week ahead...

When our plans quickly changed for Thanksgiving when we were officially "uninvited" to Thanksgiving dinner (I know, crazy, but true), we decided that we must have the best Thanksgiving weekend ever. It is important to enjoy our family and truly savor these moments now while our kids are young. We will be going a short distance to Orlando to stay at the Gaylord Palms to experience ICE! and SNOW! We are so looking forward to it.

Funny thing though. I totally forgot we had a puppy. SO....looking for a puppy sitter at the moment. So THAT is what everyone warned me about. It's ok though. God knows our plans and our hearts desire, so all will work out just fine.

I start the food plan portion tomorrow of my KUT program. This starts my 3rd week of training. But now the food gets serious. I have to write everything down specifically and Vickie will ask to see it every week. I will also start doing a 2nd round of cardio in the evenings on Mon, Wed, Friday. That should really step it up. The number on the scale and the measurements are just heart breaking. For over a year now I have listened to the lie in my head over and over and it just amazes me how cunning and baffling the enemy is. It is time for me to re-claim my life and give it to God 100%. My book, Made to Crave, that I've been reading is pretty incredible, but she touches on some deep stuff that I don't want to always look at. One thing that has stood out so much these past few days is, "If we fail to understand how to fill our souls with spiritual nourishment, we will be triggered to numb our longings with temporary physical pleasures". . I mean seriously, did she write this book for me or what?

I don't know if anyone reads this blog, but if you do stop by, I am asking you to pray for my mother in law. Just pray for "birdie". She is living in such bondage. Full of rage and anger and it is so incredibly sad. I pray that God will touch her heart. That the Lord will soften her heart and release some of the denial. I pray that she finds a way to deal with her own past and failures. It is ok. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. I pray that she discovers what unconditional love is. That she will one day truly know and feel true love. Love that a mother has for a child. It's so sad but she doesn't know how to give or receive love and I pray that the chains will be broken for her. Lord, please touch her life, soften her heart to know you and to love Greg. Amen!

10 Years!!!!

10 years, 10 years!! I just want to scream it from the mountain tops. I am so proud of US. I truly don't believe we would have made it this long if it wasn't for our Heavenly Father. Praise God for whom all our Blessings flow. Thank you Greg for putting up with me. Thank you for being the Godly man and leader that your family craves so much. Thank you for loving me when I haven't been able to love myself. Thank you for encouraging me. I love you!



Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. Colossians 3:14

Shutterfly Promotion - 50 free cards for Bloggers

How cool is this? 50 free Holiday cards Shutterfly will send you if you just mention this on your blog. I am actually pretty excited about our photo this year. We have some cool ideas and we're hoping to include Ruby in our Christmas card. I am so excited about it actually. I'm not too excited about taking pictures these days - but today I am excited to share the love of Harvey - Family of Five. I am so proud of my family and I am so grateful for the children that God has given to us. Bella, Gavin and Jackson are truly a Blessing and I am reminded more every day how Blessed we are. They are so well behaved and they each have incredible hearts.

OK - now check out some of the designs that I love and I'm thinking about.



I love the simplicity of this card. Starlight Joy.



The colors of this card is perfect and the message it shares is what it's all about. Let's add each of my children and.....Good Blessings!



Pure Elegance!

Which one would you choose?

Merry Christmas! Do you realize how quickly it is coming?

Whatever You're Doing

Sanctus Real seriously has the best songs with the most real lyrics. It gets me everytime. This morning during KUT, Vickie had all music that I love and with each stretch and pull I was able to praise & worship my King. It was awesome. This song came on and it was a reminder of how mighty God is.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Good stuff!

Ouch

Not much more to say about that.

I forgot what it felt like to work out and take care of myself. I met Vickie this morning. She is Yaro's wife and is really a super lady. She was tough though. I also learned that we have class on Saturdays too from 8:30-10am. Another ouch!

Today was kickboxing and more cardio. Tues & Thursday is band class. And while I did work out hard yesterday, nothing compared to today. Vickie gave me many compliments and did not have to correct my form much. I remembered quickly how much I love to kickbox. With every punch and jab I prayed harder. There were moments I didn't think I could lift my leg up one more time to jab at the bag. The pain!!!

I know that each bit of pain I endure now is worth every bit.

Vickie is going to shop with me at the grocery store one day after we do our 2 hour assessment. Not sure what all that will entail, but I'm sure it won't look too pretty. Something about taking my picture too in a sports bra. Hmmmm... not too sure about that one.

A verse that keeps popping up in my new book Made to Crave is from Luke 9:23, "If anyone would would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me". This verse comes up in my life often. What does it mean to take up his cross? I'm sure there are many different perspectives on this, but to me, to take up his cross daily is to deny myself and walk with the Lord. I have to deny self first. I have to sacrifice self first. I have to be willing to surrender all to follow Jesus. Am I willing to lose everything to follow Jesus. This is the way to a closer relationship with Jesus.

"Becoming a woman of self discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control" ~Lysa Terkeurst

Made to Crave more than just food

5:45am came awfully early this morning. I couldn't believe it though, I got up. Thankfully I put out my clothes and shoes the night before. I have to do this every night. I know it will make a difference. Another Amen is that the studio is only a few seconds away if I make the light. I am so grateful for that.

Yaro - that is the teachers name. He has this gigantic smile at 6am. And his favorite word is "double time". You know what that's like when you're doing squats? Oh, goodness, what have I gotten myself into?

This is a journey. Each day is a gift from God. Another day that I didn't die from killing myself with food. Another day to draw closer to HIM. And boy was I praying with every stretch and pull.

It was hard. But I did it.

A few hours later and I feel great. Thank you Lord for getting me up and motivated today.

I received an advance copy of Lysa Terkeurst new book, Made to Crave. I think she wrote this book with me in mind. And it is incredible to me that it arrived yesterday. The same day that I got a call from Vickie from the studio and on the same day that Pam and I decided to write the story about my journey to good living.

I'll probably be quoting a lot from the book. She talks about how hard it was to admit that she relied on food more than she relied on God. She (me) craved food more than God. Wow, isn't that hard to admit? Could I ever admit that to my friends, my Christian friends? The thing is, is that it is very clear and obvious that I looked to food as my comfort rather than my God as my comfort. My sin is always right out there in front for everyone to see.

Now I need to reflect on the times that food was my comfort, reward, Joy, stress, sadness, happiness. I need to reflect on times in my life where I put food before me in these times. Now is another tough part - digging deep. Digging deep and remembering these times. Here is where I want to shut off, or rather, shut down the computer. Lord, I can do all things, I am more than a conqueror and I was made for more than this. Lord, help me.

I don't have many childhood memories. I do have memories though that are around food as a child. I remember being home alone A LOT and eating. Eating whatever was there. I always wanted to play "restaurant" at my friends house next door because they always had better food. Ironically enough, my mom would not buy ice cream, cookies, etc... and have it in the house very often. But they did. All the time. And I was always eating food at their house. I think food was my comfort growing up because my mom wasn't around. She worked or was out. Food was my friend. It all seems so cliche'. Not sure how to spell that word.

Stress is another time where I find myself grazing through the kitchen. Usually very mindlessly too.

I'm shutting down. Maybe that's enough for now.

Made for more,
JEN

Big Day

Today God answered a huge prayer.

So a few weeks ago I started to walk into this martial arts place off highland, about 40 seconds from my house. I chickened out. I’ve been stalking their website for weeks reading about this KUT program they have. 9 weeks of kickboxing, fitness, exercise, nutrition, etc… I started praying about it and asking if it’s Gods will for me to cover my “journey to Good Living” in the magazine. Did I want to expose myself so much? I left them a message last week to see if there would be any interest. No response.

Today I get a call from Vickie. “Hi, did you give me a magazine at trunk or treat on Sunday”.

OMW – "NO, but Pam my partner did (I guess, I wasn’t there). I left you a message. And I haven’t even told her about you or my idea for the story."

Is this answered prayer?

Tomorrow I start at 6am. It's funny how God works this out, but there's a catch. I have to commit to the mornings. I've always struggled with getting up early, yet, I've always wanted to be up early and exercise in the mornings. And here, it works out, that the only time for me to make this work is by being there at 6am. Come to find out, there are 3 other moms that are in the 6am class.

So instead of wondering if today or tomorrow is the day I'm going to die because my heart can no longer handle all this weight. Today is the day to the rest of my life. Today is the day that I chose to dig deep and have God by my side to guide me on this journey. Today is the day that I crave God and not the food.

It's easier to make excuses than to make changes. I'm tired of all the excuses. God is calling me. It's time to listen!

Please pray for me.

Today is the Day

I go to the doctor for a complete physical. What does that mean really? I want them to run every test they possibly can. I need to see how unhealthy I really am. I know I can look in the mirror and see it, but to me, seeing the numbers from the blood test or having some doctor I don't even know tell me that I am dying a slow death, I think maybe I'll listen. Not sure what it's going to take for me to pull it together. I am extremely uncomfortable. My breathing is shallow. I have heart palpitations. My knees and feet hurt so badly. My lungs wheeze. What else? Physically I am dying.

I was made for so much more.

Enjoy the Puppy

It wasn't love at first sight. But I've watched many the past week just go crazy over this little puppy. Even grown men crumble to pieces at the site of Ruby. Yes, Ruby is her name. I picked out her name. I love her name and I'm starting to love her more.

I was very resentful of Ruby at first. It was a reminder of something else I didn't experience as a child. Along with this time of year, of never carving a pumpkin and yes, never did I have a dog, let alone a puppy. Since Ruby joined the family I've thought a lot about my childhood and how I don't have many fond memories. Nothing that I hold close to my heart with a smile.

The other night Ruby jumped on my lap and she was licking my face and loving on me and I just could not "get it". I was uncomfortable and wanted her to stop. Greg said to me, "Jen, enjoy the puppy, just enjoy the puppy". In that moment I realized that I wasn't allowing myself to really enjoy her. To marvel in the fact that we have this beautiful little puppy. Everyone loves a puppy. Greg reminded me to stop thinking about all that I didn't have growing up, but to enjoy this moment now that our kids are getting to have. "Jen, just enjoy the puppy". So I started to repeat it over and over while loving on Ruby. "Enjoy the puppy, Jen, enjoy the puppy". And slowly the wall started to crumble and I realized what a Joy it is to have this little puppy.

Here's Ruby....



Isn't she precious? I love her!

Forgiven

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been

Sanctus Real

Grace

There's been a lot of talk lately about GRACE. Grace givers, grace sharers and grace haters. But how do you give Grace when you don't like someone? And to make it worse, how do you even share openly that you don't even like someone, being that I am called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and we all know that He likes everyone? So, how do I extend this Grace to people that I don't really like. People that I don't even want to spend a minute alone in a room with? How do I extend the same Grace that I receive daily to those that I don't even think about most days?

That's so not Christ-like.

And this is one of those tough things as a Christian that I struggle with. Among many other things. But this is the flavor this week. GRACE.

Do I truly know what Grace feels like?

Beautiful Grace. That is what this is about right? I take off on my Grace Discovery journey.

Grace is an undeserved free gift, undeserved favor, and undeserved love. (from Seek God).

All of the other religions of the world offer salvation by works. They say if you become good enough you can work your way to God, you must go through procedures and sufferings and rituals to get to God. Some religions say that you can become a god, this appeals to man's pride. Just as when pride entered into Satan and he said, "I will be like the Most High God", and he became God's enemy. The new age religions all pickup on this theme, that you can become a god. It is not new; even in the Garden of Eden Satan tempted Eve by telling her if she ate the fruit that she would become like God. (from Seek God).

(Ephesians 2:8-9 NKJV) For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, {9} not of works, lest anyone should boast. Everything about our relationship with God depends upon us trusting Him in faith, by resting in His grace. We are to come to Him as a little child saying, "Daddy pick me up", and He does, Then He caries us. (Isaiah 46:4 NIV) Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

So what gets in the way of receiving God's Beautiful Grace?

For me...pride, ego, sin, lies. And as a Christian, I experience all of these on a daily basis. So why is it that some of the verses in the bible I take to heart but other verses I choose to ignore? Why is it that so many of us Christians are sitting in our Church pews in so much pain and anger and resentment and pride and still asking for God to Bless us? I'm starting to understand that God cannot bless my life if I am being disobedient to Him. Partial obedience is total disobedience to God.

I don't have the answers.

Toxic Family

Why is it that the family we are born with can really suck sometimes? Not just sometimes but most of the time? Yet, the family that we grow in Christ with is the family that God truly intended for us to be with. Greg and I are so grateful for our spiritual families. Greg got some pretty deep information this weekend about his parents and we're just trying to process it all. My intention is to hurt them and yell and get back at them - totally not Christ like. Greg, in his Godly ways, is processing it and full of prayer and gratitude. Why is it that my reaction is sometimes not the most Christ like reaction at first? I love how some people can immediately stop and pray and listen for what God wants them to do next. I, in other words, I react and get all emotional and want to be right, right, right. It's so annoying. I'm such a work in progress. But aren't we all. Greg knows in his heart that God has intended for all that was done to him to be used for good. Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

In other news... Experience Church launched and it's so awesome. I am excited for what God is doing and going to do.

I hope to get back to coming here and writing. It's that consistency thing.

Consistency

Whatever that means.

Definitely a word I want to get more familiar with.

I don't come here often. I don't even know if anyone else does either. That's ok though. I don't write for others. But I do need to write consistently for me. I don't really do anything consistently and I'm totally ALL OR NOTHING. When I'm blogging - it's all about the blog world. When I'm focused on my weight - then I'm all about that. And it goes on and on. I have a tune I sing for about a week, then it all fades away.

The magazine launched this week. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself. We have received a tremendous response. People are loving it. And it's still hard to believe that I have co-published a magazine. I guess I CAN be consistent when I want to be.

Greg leaves for Romania in days. I am so excited for him. Much different from when he left last year. We will miss him, but we know he is doing this for the greater good and we will cheer him on and pray for him CONSISTENTLY!

Mom was diagnosed with diastolic dysfunction. The pulmonary hypertension is not there. She apparently was misdiagnosed the past 4 years. I believe she was healed. God's timing is perfect. This new diagnosis is tough to handle too, but much more manageable than the other. They are both fatal, but with the new diagnosis, there are treatments for it. Basically it is heart disease. It's a HUGE wake up call for both of us.

Talk about stepping in the path of consistency!

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

A new year......

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! It's back to school time and Bella & Gavin are heading back tomorrow at 8am. Wow, 1st grade and 3rd grade. How the time flies. I remember being a young child and my mother and grandma would say to me, "jenny, don't wish your life away, when you get older time goes quickly". As a child I could never understand that. I just wanted to be older. How I wish I could go back and trust them and realize that time needs to be savored and not taken for granted.

I look at the beginning of the school year as "a new year" for mama. It's time to practice getting up earlier and maximizing my morning time. It's about taking care of myself and staying on top of my chores throughout the day so when the kids get home we have a productive afternoon. It's about being there for my family first.

I had my dear friend share some truth with me again this weekend. She always shares truth and she knows me so well. She said that I'm the perfect friend for the Narcissistic personality type friends that I have. I am so into their lives and what they are doing that my narcissistic friends thrive on that because it allows them to continue being and thinking they are so self important. This is so true. I've been this way for years. I get so wrapped up in other peoples lives and stories that my own life suffers. It's because I don't want to look at myself and all the things I'm not doing or should be doing. You know, I still don't have to look at it like the things I'm not doing, I want to start doing those things that I haven't started doing yet. Do you know what I mean?

So, with this new school year starting I say Hallelujah, it's going to be a great year for us all. My God is first, then my family!!

Imagine Me

This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and self esteem. Never felt good enough, pretty enough, but imagine God whispering in your ear that now, it’s all gone. It’s all gone. Every mistake, every failure, every sin, depression, low self esteem, what your mother did, what your father did, every scar, every battle. Hallelujah! ~ Kirk Franklin

Something to say

I wish I had something to say.

Something profound and true. Something that has enlightened me more to truth or how my eyes have been opened and it's all clear now.

But I don't.

Life is Good. I cannot complain really. I love my family and all that we stand for. My husband is one in a million and he takes such good care of us. Other than me being incredibly large and uncomfortable, I really have nothing to complain about.

I know God has been knocking on my heart about my relationship with Bella. We have such an obvious disconnect that it's pulling at my heart. Some days I care and other days I don't. Some days I want to try and other days I want to ignore it and pretend it isn't there. I've been praying more about our relationship. Also, I've been reaching out to her more and touching her and loving on her. I realized yesterday that I don't touch her as much. I love her with all that I have.

I guess I really do have something to say.....I love you Bella Grace. You are my lovely daughter and I promise to make this right between us. We need God to guide us. Lord, show me how.

xoxoxo

Can I get a witness?

Tonight my husband was doing the dishes and listening to Philippians on his ipod. (Go figure)! And when he got to a certain verse he stopped in his tracks and immediately thought about me.

Philippians 3:18-19 "For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things."

Kind of deep huh? Where are my immediate bible translators please?

I drilled him and asked questions and "what do you mean, do you mean". Borderline freaking out about him getting this Word from the big man and it had my name all over it. And of all things, what he was saying to me tonight was pretty much in line with what Jessica and I were talking about last night. He didn't know the details of our conversation. So, do you think God was talking to me tonight?

Here is the Hope that comes from the verse, "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

I'm not exactly sure what it all means but I know I need to pay attention.

Trusting HIM!

My dear friend

I have a very good friend. A god fearing wonderful friend. And when she speaks to me, I know she is speaking truth. When she tells me she prayed for me and got a Word, then I know it is truth. I stop. I listen. She was wondering if OA was also for her and in her thoughts and prayers she knew that God was telling her and I both that we did not need OA, but only HIM.

She tells me I'm one of the most stubborn people to the Word that she has ever met.

It's true.

I try to work the system and the Word for my personal, um, I don't know how to say it. Like, manipulation. I'm not sure how to explain it. But whatever I do, it's totally not cool.

The book of James she spoke from today. It's actually one of my favorite books in the bible. James writes clearly about listening and doing. As my dear friend said to me today, it should say, "my dear Jen..." rather than "my dear brothers". It was clearly written for me. And that was 2000 years ago!! Let me share with you. Oh, and by the way, I just turned on the light so I can read this verse from my bible while I write, and it is already highlighted! Ha! God knows what he is doing.

James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does".

Even before I was saved, I always thought the answers were in the next self help book, or whatever Oprah was pushing on her latest show. And yet, knowing what I know, I am still searching and seeking for answers, when I certainly know, I really do know where I can find complete freedom. What is up with that? Complete freedom in Christ. He came to set the captives free. I know this!!!!

My head knows it but does my heart feel it? It's that feeling word again. I don't know what it's like to feel anything. What does humility feel like? Can I humble myself? Can I fall at His feet and feel the absolute safety of His loving arms?

Dear Lord, Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Give me the grace to receive your truth and to believe your truth in my heart Father. Let me receive your truth in faith and love, and the strength to follow the path you have set before me. Lord, I pray today that you will give me a humble and teachable heart and obedient spirit so that I may receive your truth. Please reveal to me you, your face, your truth and your light. In Jesus' name!

Sugar is evil

Ever since I walked out of the OA meeting yesterday morning all I have done is consume Sugar! Sugar literally acts like drugs did in my body. Sugar transforms my mind and moods like cocaine and ecstasy used to do. Yet, I would never pick up those drugs ever again and I will still pick up sugar day after day. Why can't I see refined sugar and treat it the same way as I would a little pill? The sugar I ate today has knocked the life out of me that I could not get one single thing done this afternoon. My energy is gone, my mind is mush and I feel completely insane. Gosh, when will I get that? Insanity = doing the same things and expecting a different result. My goodness! DUH. Nothing changes, if nothing changes!!

Prayer.

More prayer.

And listen. Be still and listen.

Off to a meeting

I'm getting ready to go to my first OA meeting in about 5 years. I've been off and on since I was 16 years old. A part of me feels like I've grown up in 12 step meetings from OA to NA. Except now I know who my higher power is = Jesus!!

I've tried to talk myself out of it since at 7:38 this morning. As it gets closer it looks like I'll make it out the door.

Enjoy today!!

TrueFaced

There are two rooms to enter. The first room is the Room of Great Intentions. In this room there is a major problem. There is nothing more you can do to be great. There is nothing that can "right" your behavior, this room only reduces Godliness and this room is all but biblical.

The other room is the room of Grace. And when you enter this room there is a banner high on the wall. The banner says, "Standing with God with my sin in front of us - working on it together".

This is the room I want to be in.

This is my take on a video we watched tonight at Revolution. It was called TrueFaced and John Lynch was the speaker. It was awesome. He spoke of the many faces that we wear. He spoke about how there is nothing we can do to "earn" righteousness.

"We are the caterpillar with the DNA of a butterfly" How cool is that?

"There is nothing we can do on this earth to make us more Godly than we already are."

Trusting God is what pleases God. I have to trust God even when I don't feel like it. I have to trust God when I don't feel him near me. I have to trust God because THAT is what is pleasing to him.

I spoke in our small group about what struck me the most in the video. When John spoke about standing with God and our sin is in front of us - working on it together. I said that lately I've thought about this a lot. That my sin is very clear and evident to people. My sin is on the outside of my body. I wear it. It follows me. But what hit me tonight is that I am not doing this alone. WE are working on it together. I cannot do this without HIM.

John Lynch is a former atheist. He was saved around 30 I think. I am always intrigued by how an atheist comes to Christ. There is nothing more beautiful then to witness someone "get it". When the scales fall from their eyes and it all becomes clear.

Trusting God!

http://www.truefaced.com/blog/

He's there, right?

He's there, right, when I feel like I cannot breathe and the wind is being knocked out of me. He's there, right, when I can't get my head above this water and I feel like I'm drowning. He's there, right, when all I see is 1000 steps in front of me and not just one single step. He's there, right, when I want to drown every single emotion in the tallest, frostiest and most delicious mocha frappe'. He's there, right? Really? For sure? But I can't see him, and most times I cannot feel him and my flesh will wonder if he even knows I'm alive and struggling right here, right now. In this very place where so many tears fall and I try to hide every emotion and feeling that I'm feeling. For sure, right? Definitely? You are here? Jesus, please, don't go.

MYM Challenge

I kind of missed the first day of the MYM challenge. But I have my alarm set for 7am for tomorrow. I need to get that as early as 5:30am by the time school starts in a few weeks, but it's already 11:30pm and I forgot that I needed to get up that early, so we'll start at 7am and plan to just get out of bed before everyone else.

I came across a few new blogs recently and Kat at Inspired to Action has written an incredible e-book at maximizing your mornings. Then I noticed that Michelle at So, I married a Mennonite decided to start the challenge and now several of us blogging moms are taking on the challenge. Uh oh, I need some serious motivation, especially after the day I've had. Just plan ol' crappy. Ugh.

I'm off. Baby is suddenly crying and he never wakes up like this, so go figure!!

Check it out

Goals for August

To stay motivated to write here everyday.
Stick with the Maximize your Mornings challenge.
Start and finish our household notebook.

The morning challenge will be my most difficult challenge at this point. Mornings suck and I do not do them very well. But I know I need to do this for my family. I know how much better I feel when I do this and the payout will be huge.

I did not write my food down at all this weekend while we were away. I ate. Mostly empanadas. I forget how great they are. It was nice to see family this and my aunt was totally surprised.

Not feeling like writing today or doing much of anything.

OA

Lately I've been thinking about cutting out the sugar & flour. It seems that most blogs I read or people I talk to, they cut out the white food, especially refined sugar and flour. I know all too well about that because I've spent years in OA. OA is overeaters anonymous. No, it's not a bunch of fat people there's also bulimics and anorexics too. Anyone dealing with food issues. And I always feel like I have to justify the whole "overeaters" thing with "hey, there's also these folks too".

My SIL has been reminding me how successful I have been in the past on this program and I too cannot deny it. I've recently looked up the website and searched for local meetings. I've even been thinking about a good friend that lives right down the street from me that I haven't seen in years that was very active in OA.

Guess who I ran into today?

Yes. That friend. Her name is Betsy and I "coincidentally" ran into her today. Is God's timing so perfect or what? Yes!

I'm meeting her on Monday at 7pm.

God is Good...all the time!

I am worth it!! (I am right?)

Why the hesitation I wonder?

I have to admit something and I need to write about it here. I'm not sure who reads my blog, if anyone, maybe a few. Regardless, this is my place and I leave it open for anyone to peak at. Here goes...

On Wednesday about 4pm I got dressed in some black shorts and black shirt (shocker I know) and I just now took a shower and changed. I went out in that outfit on Wednesday, slept in it, woke up, went here and there in it, slept in it again and today, finally at 12:30 in the afternoon I take a shower and change. Guess what I'm wearing...black shorts and a black shirt.

Each time I went out of the house the past few days I thought to myself "jen, how can you do this? dont you love yourself? aren't you important?". I can't get this out of my head. If I cared about me, I would care about how I look; therefore, I wouldn't go out of the house looking the way I do. People say I don't need makeup ever and I'm pretty this and that, and at times I can find confidence in that, BUT Oh my word! I stayed in the same clothes for days!!!! I think this was an all time low and I totally see it.

After I got out of the shower today I did my hair, my makeup and I plan to put on cute shoes.

Shocker, I know!

Day 3 Weekend

Going out of town again this weekend. The baby will be staying home with Greg. I'm looking forward to some time with Bella & Gavin.

I'm not going to be able to write on my computer, so I hope I will be consistent and take my journal and at least write down my food while we're gone.

I did not plan my food for today.

It's 10am and I haven't had breakfast yet.

I have not incorporated any exercise. I'm hoping that will come next week. Ha!!

Day 3 of my memory verse; "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."

First Place talks about how we need to focus on our spiritual priorities, but we also need to focus on our physical needs and the needs of others. The challenge we face is in our attempt to live responsibly, we cannot allow the daily pressures to consume all of our needs and energy. When I put my spiritual needs first, then God gives me the emotional energy I need to deal with the demanding world I live in.

Today I reflect on my time and my energy. How much time am I placing on my priorities versus this darn computer!!

Today, in all things, I must give God all the Glory. In everything I do, I want to reflect God and his goodness. Living the life I was living consumed in sin is not glorifying my God who is so incredibly good. In my lack of eating responsibly or not doing exercise and taking care of my physical body - how is that glorifying God and pleasing to Him? It's NOT. Again, it shows my complete disobedience.

Lord, help me to balance my time and energy. Help me to see my priorities being you first, then others, my family and me. In all things I do I want you to have all the Glory. Guide me to do you will.

Day 2... I don't have to worry

I didn't plan for today. That's ok though. The fact that I wrote down my food yesterday is huge. Not sure what I'll eat today but I know I will think about my choices and read labels. Oh another thing I did differently yesterday was when I did eat, I ate at the table, no t.v., and I ate slowly and consciously.

My memory verse for this week is Matthew 6:33. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

This was one of the first verses I learned when I first got saved three years ago. I don't think I was even saved yet. My husband and I used to drive fancy cars. Like a mercedes C230 and a hummer H3. Ridiculous to even think about now. But anyways, we struggled our first year saved financially. Big time. All of a sudden it was as if God said "I'll show you what's really important" and he took away all of the "stuff". Our car payment on the mercedes was 633. Our dear friend Tom pointed that out to my husband and we couldn't believe it. It was our first message from God and my belief was starting to build. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

As I reflect on this verse today I know that there isn't anything I have to worry about. God will supply all of my needs. He has promised us this. But in spite of it, I can still worry. God knows what we need even before we ask. I used to worry a lot and it's taken me a few years to give it all to God. I have good days and bad days.

What are some of the things I worry about? My children's safety, my husbands health, my mothers health. These things are completely out of my control and must be given to God each day.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

Day 1 Review

I don't like not knowing how many calories are in certain foods I'm eating. Gosh, and it's only day 1. Maybe it's a good sign.

Some small victories today. Gavin wanted a sundae from Mcdonalds and I immediately said "yes, let's go". I totally planned to have one too. While driving I recited my memory verse over and over and sure enough, I did not have any temptation to have one. I did get one of their new fruit smoothies and I know there's a ton of sugar in those too, but the calories seemed ok. Not something I would have all the time. Just happy I got through it without getting what I would normally get in that darn drive thru.

The only time I felt the urge to eat was when Greg and I got "into it" a bit via email. It didn't last long. And all is well.

My mom gave me her Avenue card tonight and wanted me to get something new to where to a party we are going to this weekend. I had a great time in there all by myself and I wasn't bummed out at all. My size today is a 26. But today is the first day of my new lifestyle. This will take time. I'm in no hurry.

I took the time in the grocery store tonight and read labels.

Small victories.

Day 1 to the rest of my life

I don't have a plan. A Food plan that is and I probably should figure that out the night before. It's 9:32am and so far today I've had 1 cup of coffee, splenda and 1 T of vanilla creamer. Not sure what I'll eat today. Not so hip already on writing down my food. What's that saying..."fail to plan is a plan to fail". Yeah, that's me.

On to the verse of the week. Matthew 6:33, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

Some of the things I have highlighted in my First Place book about this verse:

- God wants First Place in our lives.
- Loving God halfheartedly is not enough.
- Commitment to Him my life will be forever changed.
- If Christ is not First Place in my thoughts, plans and actions, then what is?

In 2009 I had written, Facebook Parentguide and Food.

Today I write Computer, GoodLiving, talking on the phone and Facebook. Well, food has to go in there too. So all these things are first in my life and not God. No wonder I have grown to an all time high of !@#$%. Let's just say I'm pushing a size 26/28. Ugh...

Jesus doesn't tell us that he will meet some of our needs, but he will meet ALL of our needs. Do I believe this to be true? YES. YES. I believe Lord.

Saying that Christ is First Place in my life and actually living with Christ in First Place are two different things.

Lord, I trust you. I believe you. God, help me to remember this. And please help me to put YOU first this week. Thank you for your promise to meet all my needs this week. Amen!

Here's what I'm thinking...

Here's what I'm considering. Or rather praying about. Or am I just giving myself room to not commit or am I already planning my escape?

Bottom line - Calories in, calories out.
Bottom line - Exercise
Bottom line - I must dig deep and clean out the coop.
Bottom line - Memorize scripture.

The plan - write down my food. Take one topic each week and write about it. For example, my childhood, my dad, Bella, my marriage, my mother and so on. Memorize one scripture each week relating to temptation and putting Christ first. And get moving!!

So, when does this start? Oh, aren't Mondays good days for that? Well, that is doing what I always do and delaying so maybe I'll do things different this time. I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow is Wednesday July 28th and it's the first day to the rest of my life.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!

The Perfect Body

Doesn't exist.

It's no where to be found.

That body is only in movies and magazines.

After spending most of our weekend poolside at the Omni Hotel in Orlando, I realized that the perfect body doesn't exist. Or, at least, it's not found in Orlando. Although I did have my moments of insecurity (very few moments), I made sure to never show that to my children. I swam, I jumped, I floated down the lazy river. Oh, that was heaven on earth!! I enjoyed every moment with my children. Well, not exactly, every moment, but you know what I mean.

I do struggle looking at our pictures from the weekend. Is that really me?



I sit here tonight drinking a bud light with lime and sneaking mini powered donuts every few minutes, hoping nobody sees me, and I wonder how this weight will ever come off?

I look at these pictures and think "I am happy", I really am. I don't feel lost or sad or miserable. I am very much happy. I just know that this isn't the life my God has planned for me. And I know I am not living each day to it's utmost potential. And I know my husband isn't proud to walk side by side with me. I mean, how could he be proud? I'm certainly not the girl he married.

I think I'm going to call it an early night tonight. I would like to get into the habit at least before school starts to get up early. Like before the kids get up so I can have some time with God. I'm not saying that I'm starting that tomorrow, but at least want to start going to bed earlier.

Also, it's been a great weekend and I am wiped!!

Breaking Free

Find Satisfaction in God - Overcome Idolatry

That is the title to this mini booklet that I have on Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I did "sort of" do this study once before, but like with most of the bible studies I do, I attend the weekly gathering, but don't pick up the book or do my homework during the week. Kind of like I was in high school, but that's another subject.

Beth notes Isaiah 55:2 which says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare".

This verse has nothing to do with money, but everything to do with finding satisfaction in God rather than the world. It's about contentment. It's about the peace that surpasses all understanding and I only receive this from the Lord. God is whispering in my ear, "me first, me first". And I casually ignore him. Putting so many other things first.

Beth Moore believes that, "God creates a nagging dissatisfaction in everyone for an excellent reason". Only God can satisfy our need completely. That aching, that tugging, that loneliness. I have spent my life searching everywhere, with everyone else, using so many things to find that contentment, but ultimately it boils down to my relationship with the Lord. I know this. Why do I fight it? Is it because I don't have a personal relationship with my earthly father and I have never had a close relationship with him? Is it because I have never been close to any father figure. My first father figure in my life was my grandfather. Oh, how my heart aches for him sometimes. My grandfather died in 2005 and it was right smack in the middle of my husband and my "troubled times" (another post). I have still not cried about the loss of my grandfather - the one father figure I did have in my life.

It seems that over the last few days I have touched on some things that I need to go deeper with. And someone has even suggested that I dig this stuff out and clear out the coop yet it's like I am casualy ignoring the subject. The subject of my relationship with my daughter, my mom, my childhood memories, or lack thereof, and now my grandfather comes up. I need to go here. I really do. But I'm shutting down.

So back to my original topic with Beth Moore and Breaking Free and the subject of Idols. Food has been my idol and it's a sin. I wear my sin on the outside for everyone to see. My Christian brothers and sisters can see that I am weak, a failure, confused about scripture, whatever. It's obvious that I'm not seeking HIM first. I'm more embarrassed than ashamed because as a Christian, shouldn't I know better?

"Can you see the strong tie between our quest for satisfaction and the worship of idols? The void God created in our lives for Himself will demand attention. We look desperately for something to satisfy us and fill the empty places. Our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it" ~ Beth Moore

So as I read from this little booklet, my prayer tonight is for God and only God fill me up and leave me completely satisfied in only YOU.

Breaking Free,
JEN

Sighs make me crazy.......

I just received a call from my mom. She was put off by something that wasn't done and her tone and "sighs" and totally disappointment through me for a loop. I cannot stand to have this icky stuff with my mom. I hate that she makes those sighing sounds, and I hate when she gets all dramatic. I take on these feelings and it drives me crazy. How does it make me feel? Ugh...here's that feeling thing. I feel annoyed, mad, frustrated. I don't really know. I know I have so many issues that go back to my mom.

My mom divorced my dad when I was 6 months old. she said she needed to "find herself". She fell out of love and that was it. My Dad was shocked and didn't want it to happen. She left - we went to the Panama Canal Zone where my family was at the time then when I was 5 she decided that we move to Los Angeles so she can be an actress. I met my dad for the first time when I was 9. Not sure why so many years went by. I get bummed out when I think about my mom leaving my dad and for what? I have children now and my husband and I have been through so much together that you don't just up and leave. We have fought and fought and fought for our marriage and I know our children will have a better life for it. I wonder what my life would of been like if my mom and dad stayed together. I know my mom did the best she could being a single mother, but it bums me out that I don't have many childhood memories. I get mad at her for that. Should I get mad at her for that? Why is it that I have no childhood fond memories. My first memories are adult parties in L.A. with drinking and pot smoking. My memories are of food. Being alone, a latch key kid and eating. I also remember at 9 years old stealing my mom's cigarettes are pouring a scotch and water and sitting at the table doing my homework. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, but just the act of it. I remember our apartment in L.A. and my memory sees it very dark. I can remember the layout and my room. I had a big room. But there is so little that I remember. Maybe I need to start here. At my earliest memories. Maybe digging deep is about getting this stuff out from my childhood. But what stuff? I don't have any memory of being abused or molested or neglected. Me being a "latch key" kid - was that neglect. I would never leave my children home alone now a days. It's such a different time. But that was Reseda, Ca. where we lived and it wasn't the greatest neighborhood either.

I don't want to be mad at my mom or have resentment towards her. I need to forgive her. Did she really do anything wrong? She was a single parent, an actress, raising a child. Wasn't that hard enough. Am I just making excuses? I just don't know.

Forgiveness.

Did I mention my mom has a fatal illness and she may not be around to see my children get married? That bums me out too. I feel bad for getting mad at her when she is dealing with her illness. Now I take on the guilt and the shame for even feeling that way.

Hopefully I won't go eat.

A Good Day...

It was a good day. I didn't think about food all day. I didn't feel hunger either though. My morning consisted of burnt french toast, the Aunt Jemima kind. Yummy, no syrup, just powdered sugar. Then for lunch we went through Taco Bell on the way to Chanda's to go swimming. Two bean burritos. Then for dinner I made a WW chicken recipe. It was good. Not great. But I would make it again. I noticed that my head wasn't thinking about food like it normally does. Not sure what the difference was here. Maybe because I wasn't home, and we were busy. OR maybe it was because I didn't start it out eating so much sugar. Not sure physiologically what it is, but it was probably more of a spiritual thing. Prayer will work above anything else. I know this, but I must believe it 100%.

I pray that I dig alittle deeper on my little blog here. I want to write more and get some of these crazy thoughts out of my head. I think it would make a difference if I turn to prayer and to my blog to write, then I won't run to the food. Tonight I had some time to myself while Greg took the kids out and Jackson was sleeping. The minute they left I thought about those darn french toasts. I wanted something sweet. I did a lap around the cupboards and realized that there was nothing in the house so I went about my sweeping of the kitchen floors. I thought about it while I swept the floor. Why did I want something sweet? It was really a passing thought. And my grandmother used to always say to me, "wait 5 minutes and the taste won't even be in your mouth anymore". Was that really true? Oh my grandma. I think alot of my "food issues" stems from spending many summers with my grandparents in Dothan Alabama. Some of my earliest memories are with my grandma weighing me every morning. It was she that put me on my first diet at 9 years old. Gosh, I hope I don't ever do that to Bella. Bella constantly is asking about food. It drives me crazy. Today I even yelled at her and said "what do you think will happen to you if you don't eat something right at this very moment". It's just so frustrating. I get really mad at her for always asking about food.

So, I guess I've touched on a few things in this post that I probably need to dig a little deeper with. My grandma, my Bella and of course "digging deeper".

Lord, I pray that I dig deeper in your word and in my spirit. I pray to hold on to your promises and to believe them. Lord, please help me from making excuses. Help me to serve only YOU Father. For you have promised to always be with me, to hold me by my hand, to guide me with Your word and direction and then to take me to your Glory. Father, I want to give you all the Glory in all that I do. Guide me Father. Show me your will and your ways. In your son's precious name!

Amen!

Hunger

I don't ever feel hunger.

Not once today did I have the feeling of hunger. I just don't allow that to happen. Not once today did I feel upset or depressed or down yet I ate and ate and ate. Tomorrow my goal is to only eat when I feel hunger. And to write it down.

And now I feel myself shutting down and not wanting to write. When will this stop. Maybe this isn't for me! Who knows.

Until we meet again.....

Ending the day

So then I end the day with a healthy weight watchers chicken & rice recipe. After the crap eating day I just had and I go out like that. Yay for me.

Did I just write that out loud?

I just put a goal in writing on another blog! Did I really do that? Erin at homeswheremyheartis.blogspot.com/ asked if we had any goals? So I decided to answer. Whats the harm in that right? So I said that I would write down my food tomorrow. Can you stand it? One whole day. I just hope I remember to do it. Can you remind me please?

It's the Best Day Ever!!!

We heard that phrase the past three days and it was wonderful. It truly was an awesome time at the Nick Hotel. We all had a great time. Parents included. There was so much for every one of us to do. I will be writing a story for our magazine for the Good Adventures section. I did feel comfortable after all at the pool. I didn't hesitate or think too much about it at all. I was there for the kids and I didn't want to hold them back. My food choices overall weren't very good - but hey, we were on vacation right? I am hoping to make a food plan for the week and stick to it. More will be revealed about that. I did not take many pictures of me and we did not get any family pictures taken. I thank God for His many Blessings. We so do not deserve all you give. I am humbled by your daily Grace!!

Praying for his mind....

Lord, I pray for Greg’s mind and protection. Please shield him from all lies of the enemy. Show him how to take every thought captive Father. Help him to recognize his wrong thinking. May Greg never be broken in spirit, but instead may he have a spirit of Joy. In Jesus Name.

Pain

There is cr^p everywhere in my house. Everywhere that I look. Yet, I walk over it. I don't bend down to get it because it hurts to bend. It hurts to move. My feet hurt so badly. I went to bed so early the other night because the thought of getting out of bed and stepping on the floor and moving was too much to bare at the end of the day. You would think that would be motivation for me.

We are going to Nickelodeon Hotel on Sunday. They have this incredible pool with slides. Like 3 pools actually. Last time we were there in November it was so cold so the kids didn't get to experience the pools. So now we are going just so they can experience it. Not to mention, I have to write a story too for the magazine.

I think the title will be "Diary of a fat mom swimming with Dora". Or something like that. Just kidding really.

I really don't think anyone will be looking at me. I think they will be looking at their kids or the hot mom in the bikini. I'm sure most people will not want to lay eyes on me. Who I am most embarrassed to see me in my bathing suit is my husband. I am not the wife he met, let alone married. I have let myself go completely. I feel sorry for him actually. I don't think it's fair that I've done this. Yes, he's put on weight too, but it's not the same. Lord, help me!

Strongholds

Stronghold - A stronghold is an incorrect thinking pattern that has molded itself into our way of thinking. These strongholds have the capability to affect our feelings, how we respond to various situations in life, and they play a large role in our spiritual freedom.

So basically, these are the lies that I believe each and every day. Sometimes every single moment. There are so many, I don't even know where to start. Are they of Satan. He is the ultimate liar. What reason do I really have to believe these lies? I mean seriously? I am confident, strong, not ugly, and I know I can move mountains when my mind is made up. So, WTH!! What is the problem? Is it that I feel I don't deserve the best life possible. Jesus didn't come to give me "sort of a good life", he came so I can live the most incredible life. The way I live today is just not ok. I truly have to change the way I think. Clear my head. Release the strongholds.

How do you tear down strongholds?

Since strongholds are built upon error and falsehood, it is through the truth that you tear down such faulty thinking patterns. Strongholds are built when we accept and receive error and begin to meditate on them. It forms in our minds what is known as an imagination, that is, a false concept that we believe to be true, but in reality is not. The Bible speaks about these imaginations clearly, and shows us how they can be torn down.

Lord, though I live in the world, I do not wage war as the world does. The weapons I fight with are not the weapons of this world. But they have divine and of you and can only demolish my strongholds. Father, I can do anything through you. Your power can demolish arguments and every negative being and thought against you and against me and what I know I am capable of. Please take captive every thought against the knowledge of you Father and make it obedient to Christ. Enable me Lord! Give me strength to make the best decisions today for my body and my mind. Lord, help me dive into your word today and not to just read it and say it, but to believe it and do it! In Jesus' precious name. Amen!

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

December 2009

Our last family picture together. When will the next one be?

Oh what a feelin'

I found an incredible blog today thanks to Michelle. Wow. I'm going back to the very beginning of this woman's weight loss journey a year ago and reading every post. I can relate to so much. I could of been her. She is me. We are soul sisters. I am inspired. I sit here with tears in my eyes actually feeling some feeling (I think) and yet, I cannot let go completely. And right about this moment I am starting to shut down. stop it. Write Jen. Get it out. So much I read tonight that hits home. Especially the pictures thing. I have been left out of so many family moments because I don't want to get my picture taken. And I love pictures. I love them. I am starting to get emotional, yet I cannot allow myself to feel it completely. I'm starting to distract myself. I'll write again later. Going to find the last family picture we took.

At His Feet....

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. Colossians 2:20-23.

This verse got me today. I am reading Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" and she comments on this verse. You see, if man could truly subdue all his fleshly appetites by the pure power of his own determination, he would simply worship his own will. If the Word of God is about anything at all, it is about God's Will rather than our own. Our liberty is paradoxically discovered through the will of God rather than our own. God will never allow us continued success through our pure fleshly determination to "touch not, taste not, handle not". He knows we would rend up worshiping our own wills and methods. Through his might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of HIs Word, we are empowered to say no to things we should - to our excesses, withholdings, compulsions, and harmful consumptions - and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health.

So basically, it's all HIM. HE is the only way I can do this. I know this. I know this well, but actually accepting it is where I fall short every single day. I must believe that God will do His work inside me. I must trust and believe it. If he gave me Jackson as a true Blessing in God's perfect Will, then why can't he do this through me? It's just so simple. But it's not.

Do you know that right at this moment I am thinking about bread and butter. I want some bread and butter. Why, at this exact moment does this thought come into my head. Aaaahhhhh.

Father, according to Your Word, I was called to be free. Help me not to use my freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, I should serve others in love. Lord, you know the plans you have for me. You have declared that they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Father, I lay at your feet. Please hear my prayers. Amen!

Awe...

I am in awe of so much right now. God, cuz he's way cool and moving big time these days. And Jessica. I love her.

You know, before I write I have so much to say in my head, then the minute I get on here to write about it, I am blank. Stuck. Don't know what to say. What if someone sees it and thinks I'm dumb? Gosh, it's ridiculous really. See, I want to stop writing right this second. The lies in my head keep telling me to stop. That I don't make any sense and that I have nothing to say anyways.

Whatever. Tomorrow is another day.
Love you Lord, my Family and ME.

Digging Deep

Get the shovel out! I'm ready to dig. Yah, right! Not me. I would much rather eat an enormous box of NERDS that I got today at the Dollar Tree. Sugar. Yuck. It is a killer. It literally changes my mood and my mind goes into this black hole. It's dark. It's mean. It's nasty. Why? I know what it does to me.

See, right now, right at this moment I'm ready to end this post and call it a day. I cannot seem to even express my feelings and emotions in writing. Ugh. I feel the wall going up, one by one, brick by brick and I am shutting down. Pausing. Long pauses. Not knowing what to type next. I want to go read someone else's blog, someone else's issues, stories, feelings, so I don't have to look at my own.

Can I do this?

Not sure it worked out so much with Bella updating this blog. She is so like me, it comes and it goes. But today I have seen such incredible power, God's power, in using someone's blog that I am inspired to come here and rant and rave. Just for me. I have my prayer blog that I keep super personal and not open for anyone to see, but this one I thought I would keep about family, but then I found that it was more about me. So, who knows what will come of it. Right now I see incredible freedom from being able to write and let these thoughts out of my head. God is moving!! Oh he is mighty! That's all for now!

hi

hi sorry i forgot to write on the blog . i am sitting and telling Jackson no!!!!!!!!!!!!! because he is climbing up the couch.and i am eating my dinner. and watching true Jackson VP trapped in Paris.







bye talk to ya"ll later .

hi im still sad i really really miss daddy. but mommy said that when i feel sad and just want to write, and that is what im doing. and daddy is coming home on Monday and after school me Jackson mommy and Gavin get to pick daddy up from the airport.


that's all i have to say


talk to ya later,bye

my feelings right now.

im sad right now because i miss daddy. im wearing my new High school musical ice tour jacket it makes me all better. and im also snuggling my blankets and Zoey from Busch gardens.
I was crying a few minuets ago. but i know that daddy will come safely home because God is with him. Jackson came up on the couch and rested his head on my shoulder,awwwwwww. im watching sponge bob.





bye talk to ya later

summer

well i know that summer is coming up soon so I decided to make this blog about summer.
well what I like to do during summer is to swim and have sleep overs and go to other states and go to ice skate and sleep in and watch t.v. and take naps. and most of all go to............CHURCH!!!




that's all i have to say.


talk to ya later bye

God are almighty father

hi im back.
scene this is all about God i will right my favorite bible verses.
john3:16.
genesis 1:1.
Matthew28:20

I love GOD.
God is so so so so so so so so awesome and loveing!!!


bye i will talk to you tomorrow.

all about myself.

hi im Bella. my future is to be an ocean byoligest. im really into sea life. and at school we are starting to learn about sea life. and at home I have been on a website and im reserching sea animals. the animals i have studied are sharks and rays and dolphins and sea turtles and dangerous animals. well my favorite animal in the sea is the bottle nose dolphin. and my favorite animal on land is a dog a cat and a horse.and my favorite insect is a butterfly.



talk to ya later

Bella the Blogger

Bella will be taking over our family blog starting tomorrow. She is very excited. I hope it encourages her and her writing. She loves to write. Her spelling isn't that great but I refuse to tell her about spell check yet. Kids these days don't know how to spell because of that. I'm excited for her. She is excited. I know she'll do well with it. She has a tad bit of OCD so she may just update several times a day. I just hope to give her an outlet. I am so proud of her. I love you BellaGrace!

Fasting...

I haven't updated in weeks. We had Greg's surprise party and then the kids have been off school for a teachers conference this week.

Now I am taking off again.

I am going to fast from my computer for 7 days. Start praying now! It is taking over my life. Imagine 7 days with the Lord. Imagine 7 days with my kids 100% with my kids.

I need prayers. I don't know how I'll get through it, but I know God will get me through it.

I can do all things...

Esther

I started Beth Moore's Esther Bible Study.

I'm totally bored with Day one. It is all like 483 b.c. and this king and Cyrus and Nebecasomething or other. I know Beth's studies are totally awesome and I will get so much out of it, but right now, you aren't grabbing me girl!

Busy week. Greg is driving me alittle crazy with his EPIC birthday party he wants to have. I get that he's 40 and all, but geez, mama doesn't work, I don't bring home any bacon, how am I to pull this off?

I haven't walked since Kelly and I went last week. I haven't thought about stepping foot into the Y either. It bums me out. Sometimes I wish my weight bothered me more so maybe I would do something about it. I struggle inside, I know it. But I am also the master manipulator and I hate to dig deep so the remote thought of any emotion or feeling coming to the surface I'm like, "oh, wait, what's that, and I get all A.D.D. and want to change the subject, or rather feeling". I always like to blame "the enemy", but really it's a battle with the flesh each and every day.

One of my favorite mommy blogs I recently started visiting here http://homeswheremyheartis.blogspot.com/ put this incredible picture of a women at Jesus' feet. Maybe I should know who? Mary, Martha, Esther? The prostitute? I don't know. But the picture was incredible and I literally could feel a twinge inside me, but oh no, God forbid, I feel deeply and some emotion. Someone left a comment with this verse and I love it....

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says,
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Survived

Well, we survived our walk. It was actually really nice. Kind of drizzling though and cold, but it was great. I felt alive and so happy to get out and do something good for myself. Long way to go!

Something I need to get really honest about is my obsession with reading mommy blogs. I believe in my heart it has become a new idol. I am putting my reading before most things. I look so forward to it. All my mommy blogs inspire me, give me ideas and courage. I know I need to find those things first in the Word. I do start a new bible study on Monday, Esther, with Beth Moore. I love Beth. I may have to step back from all the blog reading. What's that word? Moderation? Shoot. I could barely spell it.

Off to lunch now with MIMI and GiGi and the kids, then Greg is taking them to a movie. Yay, house to myself while Jackson sleeps! Love it.

Walking

Kelly and Cy are walking to our house tomorrow and I am walking back with them to their house. It's a really long long walk. Kelly is being encouraging and I am trying to make up more excuses. I know I'm going to have a heart attack or my shoes will fall apart and I know my boobs are going to sway in the wind and cause me to be blind. And Jackson will stroll along in the stroller.

Ok, so I know I can do it. I can do anything right? I'm kinda nervous. I know I will feel great afterwards and Jackson will love it.

Prayers are welcome about 10am tomorrow morning.

OR, if you want to make plans so I can get out of this, I'm all for it!

Happy Birthday Jackson!

Wow, where does the time go?

This year has flown by with Jackson. Happy Birthday baby boy. You have brought such Joy to our family. You are truly a Blessing from our Lord. Thank you God for giving us Jackson.

Stuffed

I am stuffed.

Stuffed with brownies and cookies and crap!

I hate feeling this way. What is it going to take? There is only one way. It's time to release the strongholds on my life. I want to feel free. Not just feel free, but to be free. What is that like?

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. Galatians 5:1"

But what does that mean to me? Can I even dig deep enough to understand the meaning of this verse?

I realize that I can do all things. I am more than a conqueror. I know that when I am free I will be able to do incredible things for our Lord.

God, please use me. What is it that I need to do? I know that this body does not show your work and your Glory. I believe that my life, in you, is for a greater purpose. Show me the way Father.

Amen!

Resolutions or Goals?

Resolution: A resolve or determination.

Goals: The result or achievement towards.

I think I like the word "Goals" better. I'm really not one to make New Years resolutions. I feel as if it is setting myself up to fail. I'm really used to not completing a task; although, I would like to think I have gotten better about this, I don't necessarily know how true it is.

I have to admit with the New Year upon us I have thought alot about Goals. Short term goals and the long term ones. I started out with the short term. i.e. taking the bins out of Jacksons room. OK, done. I did it. One down. Now what? Here is what I hope to accomplish this month.

• Start and continue with my Passages bible study.
• Start and continue with Esther bible study at Lakeview.
• Keep up with this blog.
• Organize the kids rooms. Although, this may be considered "long term".
• Meal plan! Make healthy meal choices.
• Get to the Y and exercise, not just talk to everyone.

Let's see where we are at on February 1st.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13