Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A new year......

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! It's back to school time and Bella & Gavin are heading back tomorrow at 8am. Wow, 1st grade and 3rd grade. How the time flies. I remember being a young child and my mother and grandma would say to me, "jenny, don't wish your life away, when you get older time goes quickly". As a child I could never understand that. I just wanted to be older. How I wish I could go back and trust them and realize that time needs to be savored and not taken for granted.

I look at the beginning of the school year as "a new year" for mama. It's time to practice getting up earlier and maximizing my morning time. It's about taking care of myself and staying on top of my chores throughout the day so when the kids get home we have a productive afternoon. It's about being there for my family first.

I had my dear friend share some truth with me again this weekend. She always shares truth and she knows me so well. She said that I'm the perfect friend for the Narcissistic personality type friends that I have. I am so into their lives and what they are doing that my narcissistic friends thrive on that because it allows them to continue being and thinking they are so self important. This is so true. I've been this way for years. I get so wrapped up in other peoples lives and stories that my own life suffers. It's because I don't want to look at myself and all the things I'm not doing or should be doing. You know, I still don't have to look at it like the things I'm not doing, I want to start doing those things that I haven't started doing yet. Do you know what I mean?

So, with this new school year starting I say Hallelujah, it's going to be a great year for us all. My God is first, then my family!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Imagine Me

This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and self esteem. Never felt good enough, pretty enough, but imagine God whispering in your ear that now, it’s all gone. It’s all gone. Every mistake, every failure, every sin, depression, low self esteem, what your mother did, what your father did, every scar, every battle. Hallelujah! ~ Kirk Franklin

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Something to say

I wish I had something to say.

Something profound and true. Something that has enlightened me more to truth or how my eyes have been opened and it's all clear now.

But I don't.

Life is Good. I cannot complain really. I love my family and all that we stand for. My husband is one in a million and he takes such good care of us. Other than me being incredibly large and uncomfortable, I really have nothing to complain about.

I know God has been knocking on my heart about my relationship with Bella. We have such an obvious disconnect that it's pulling at my heart. Some days I care and other days I don't. Some days I want to try and other days I want to ignore it and pretend it isn't there. I've been praying more about our relationship. Also, I've been reaching out to her more and touching her and loving on her. I realized yesterday that I don't touch her as much. I love her with all that I have.

I guess I really do have something to say.....I love you Bella Grace. You are my lovely daughter and I promise to make this right between us. We need God to guide us. Lord, show me how.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Can I get a witness?

Tonight my husband was doing the dishes and listening to Philippians on his ipod. (Go figure)! And when he got to a certain verse he stopped in his tracks and immediately thought about me.

Philippians 3:18-19 "For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things."

Kind of deep huh? Where are my immediate bible translators please?

I drilled him and asked questions and "what do you mean, do you mean". Borderline freaking out about him getting this Word from the big man and it had my name all over it. And of all things, what he was saying to me tonight was pretty much in line with what Jessica and I were talking about last night. He didn't know the details of our conversation. So, do you think God was talking to me tonight?

Here is the Hope that comes from the verse, "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

I'm not exactly sure what it all means but I know I need to pay attention.

Trusting HIM!

Monday, August 9, 2010

My dear friend

I have a very good friend. A god fearing wonderful friend. And when she speaks to me, I know she is speaking truth. When she tells me she prayed for me and got a Word, then I know it is truth. I stop. I listen. She was wondering if OA was also for her and in her thoughts and prayers she knew that God was telling her and I both that we did not need OA, but only HIM.

She tells me I'm one of the most stubborn people to the Word that she has ever met.

It's true.

I try to work the system and the Word for my personal, um, I don't know how to say it. Like, manipulation. I'm not sure how to explain it. But whatever I do, it's totally not cool.

The book of James she spoke from today. It's actually one of my favorite books in the bible. James writes clearly about listening and doing. As my dear friend said to me today, it should say, "my dear Jen..." rather than "my dear brothers". It was clearly written for me. And that was 2000 years ago!! Let me share with you. Oh, and by the way, I just turned on the light so I can read this verse from my bible while I write, and it is already highlighted! Ha! God knows what he is doing.

James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does".

Even before I was saved, I always thought the answers were in the next self help book, or whatever Oprah was pushing on her latest show. And yet, knowing what I know, I am still searching and seeking for answers, when I certainly know, I really do know where I can find complete freedom. What is up with that? Complete freedom in Christ. He came to set the captives free. I know this!!!!

My head knows it but does my heart feel it? It's that feeling word again. I don't know what it's like to feel anything. What does humility feel like? Can I humble myself? Can I fall at His feet and feel the absolute safety of His loving arms?

Dear Lord, Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Give me the grace to receive your truth and to believe your truth in my heart Father. Let me receive your truth in faith and love, and the strength to follow the path you have set before me. Lord, I pray today that you will give me a humble and teachable heart and obedient spirit so that I may receive your truth. Please reveal to me you, your face, your truth and your light. In Jesus' name!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sugar is evil

Ever since I walked out of the OA meeting yesterday morning all I have done is consume Sugar! Sugar literally acts like drugs did in my body. Sugar transforms my mind and moods like cocaine and ecstasy used to do. Yet, I would never pick up those drugs ever again and I will still pick up sugar day after day. Why can't I see refined sugar and treat it the same way as I would a little pill? The sugar I ate today has knocked the life out of me that I could not get one single thing done this afternoon. My energy is gone, my mind is mush and I feel completely insane. Gosh, when will I get that? Insanity = doing the same things and expecting a different result. My goodness! DUH. Nothing changes, if nothing changes!!


More prayer.

And listen. Be still and listen.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Off to a meeting

I'm getting ready to go to my first OA meeting in about 5 years. I've been off and on since I was 16 years old. A part of me feels like I've grown up in 12 step meetings from OA to NA. Except now I know who my higher power is = Jesus!!

I've tried to talk myself out of it since at 7:38 this morning. As it gets closer it looks like I'll make it out the door.

Enjoy today!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


There are two rooms to enter. The first room is the Room of Great Intentions. In this room there is a major problem. There is nothing more you can do to be great. There is nothing that can "right" your behavior, this room only reduces Godliness and this room is all but biblical.

The other room is the room of Grace. And when you enter this room there is a banner high on the wall. The banner says, "Standing with God with my sin in front of us - working on it together".

This is the room I want to be in.

This is my take on a video we watched tonight at Revolution. It was called TrueFaced and John Lynch was the speaker. It was awesome. He spoke of the many faces that we wear. He spoke about how there is nothing we can do to "earn" righteousness.

"We are the caterpillar with the DNA of a butterfly" How cool is that?

"There is nothing we can do on this earth to make us more Godly than we already are."

Trusting God is what pleases God. I have to trust God even when I don't feel like it. I have to trust God when I don't feel him near me. I have to trust God because THAT is what is pleasing to him.

I spoke in our small group about what struck me the most in the video. When John spoke about standing with God and our sin is in front of us - working on it together. I said that lately I've thought about this a lot. That my sin is very clear and evident to people. My sin is on the outside of my body. I wear it. It follows me. But what hit me tonight is that I am not doing this alone. WE are working on it together. I cannot do this without HIM.

John Lynch is a former atheist. He was saved around 30 I think. I am always intrigued by how an atheist comes to Christ. There is nothing more beautiful then to witness someone "get it". When the scales fall from their eyes and it all becomes clear.

Trusting God!

He's there, right?

He's there, right, when I feel like I cannot breathe and the wind is being knocked out of me. He's there, right, when I can't get my head above this water and I feel like I'm drowning. He's there, right, when all I see is 1000 steps in front of me and not just one single step. He's there, right, when I want to drown every single emotion in the tallest, frostiest and most delicious mocha frappe'. He's there, right? Really? For sure? But I can't see him, and most times I cannot feel him and my flesh will wonder if he even knows I'm alive and struggling right here, right now. In this very place where so many tears fall and I try to hide every emotion and feeling that I'm feeling. For sure, right? Definitely? You are here? Jesus, please, don't go.

Monday, August 2, 2010

MYM Challenge

I kind of missed the first day of the MYM challenge. But I have my alarm set for 7am for tomorrow. I need to get that as early as 5:30am by the time school starts in a few weeks, but it's already 11:30pm and I forgot that I needed to get up that early, so we'll start at 7am and plan to just get out of bed before everyone else.

I came across a few new blogs recently and Kat at Inspired to Action has written an incredible e-book at maximizing your mornings. Then I noticed that Michelle at So, I married a Mennonite decided to start the challenge and now several of us blogging moms are taking on the challenge. Uh oh, I need some serious motivation, especially after the day I've had. Just plan ol' crappy. Ugh.

I'm off. Baby is suddenly crying and he never wakes up like this, so go figure!!

Check it out
Inspired To Action Button

Goals for August

To stay motivated to write here everyday.
Stick with the Maximize your Mornings challenge.
Start and finish our household notebook.

The morning challenge will be my most difficult challenge at this point. Mornings suck and I do not do them very well. But I know I need to do this for my family. I know how much better I feel when I do this and the payout will be huge.

I did not write my food down at all this weekend while we were away. I ate. Mostly empanadas. I forget how great they are. It was nice to see family this and my aunt was totally surprised.

Not feeling like writing today or doing much of anything.