OA

Lately I've been thinking about cutting out the sugar & flour. It seems that most blogs I read or people I talk to, they cut out the white food, especially refined sugar and flour. I know all too well about that because I've spent years in OA. OA is overeaters anonymous. No, it's not a bunch of fat people there's also bulimics and anorexics too. Anyone dealing with food issues. And I always feel like I have to justify the whole "overeaters" thing with "hey, there's also these folks too".

My SIL has been reminding me how successful I have been in the past on this program and I too cannot deny it. I've recently looked up the website and searched for local meetings. I've even been thinking about a good friend that lives right down the street from me that I haven't seen in years that was very active in OA.

Guess who I ran into today?

Yes. That friend. Her name is Betsy and I "coincidentally" ran into her today. Is God's timing so perfect or what? Yes!

I'm meeting her on Monday at 7pm.

God is Good...all the time!

I am worth it!! (I am right?)

Why the hesitation I wonder?

I have to admit something and I need to write about it here. I'm not sure who reads my blog, if anyone, maybe a few. Regardless, this is my place and I leave it open for anyone to peak at. Here goes...

On Wednesday about 4pm I got dressed in some black shorts and black shirt (shocker I know) and I just now took a shower and changed. I went out in that outfit on Wednesday, slept in it, woke up, went here and there in it, slept in it again and today, finally at 12:30 in the afternoon I take a shower and change. Guess what I'm wearing...black shorts and a black shirt.

Each time I went out of the house the past few days I thought to myself "jen, how can you do this? dont you love yourself? aren't you important?". I can't get this out of my head. If I cared about me, I would care about how I look; therefore, I wouldn't go out of the house looking the way I do. People say I don't need makeup ever and I'm pretty this and that, and at times I can find confidence in that, BUT Oh my word! I stayed in the same clothes for days!!!! I think this was an all time low and I totally see it.

After I got out of the shower today I did my hair, my makeup and I plan to put on cute shoes.

Shocker, I know!

Day 3 Weekend

Going out of town again this weekend. The baby will be staying home with Greg. I'm looking forward to some time with Bella & Gavin.

I'm not going to be able to write on my computer, so I hope I will be consistent and take my journal and at least write down my food while we're gone.

I did not plan my food for today.

It's 10am and I haven't had breakfast yet.

I have not incorporated any exercise. I'm hoping that will come next week. Ha!!

Day 3 of my memory verse; "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."

First Place talks about how we need to focus on our spiritual priorities, but we also need to focus on our physical needs and the needs of others. The challenge we face is in our attempt to live responsibly, we cannot allow the daily pressures to consume all of our needs and energy. When I put my spiritual needs first, then God gives me the emotional energy I need to deal with the demanding world I live in.

Today I reflect on my time and my energy. How much time am I placing on my priorities versus this darn computer!!

Today, in all things, I must give God all the Glory. In everything I do, I want to reflect God and his goodness. Living the life I was living consumed in sin is not glorifying my God who is so incredibly good. In my lack of eating responsibly or not doing exercise and taking care of my physical body - how is that glorifying God and pleasing to Him? It's NOT. Again, it shows my complete disobedience.

Lord, help me to balance my time and energy. Help me to see my priorities being you first, then others, my family and me. In all things I do I want you to have all the Glory. Guide me to do you will.

Day 2... I don't have to worry

I didn't plan for today. That's ok though. The fact that I wrote down my food yesterday is huge. Not sure what I'll eat today but I know I will think about my choices and read labels. Oh another thing I did differently yesterday was when I did eat, I ate at the table, no t.v., and I ate slowly and consciously.

My memory verse for this week is Matthew 6:33. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

This was one of the first verses I learned when I first got saved three years ago. I don't think I was even saved yet. My husband and I used to drive fancy cars. Like a mercedes C230 and a hummer H3. Ridiculous to even think about now. But anyways, we struggled our first year saved financially. Big time. All of a sudden it was as if God said "I'll show you what's really important" and he took away all of the "stuff". Our car payment on the mercedes was 633. Our dear friend Tom pointed that out to my husband and we couldn't believe it. It was our first message from God and my belief was starting to build. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

As I reflect on this verse today I know that there isn't anything I have to worry about. God will supply all of my needs. He has promised us this. But in spite of it, I can still worry. God knows what we need even before we ask. I used to worry a lot and it's taken me a few years to give it all to God. I have good days and bad days.

What are some of the things I worry about? My children's safety, my husbands health, my mothers health. These things are completely out of my control and must be given to God each day.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

Day 1 Review

I don't like not knowing how many calories are in certain foods I'm eating. Gosh, and it's only day 1. Maybe it's a good sign.

Some small victories today. Gavin wanted a sundae from Mcdonalds and I immediately said "yes, let's go". I totally planned to have one too. While driving I recited my memory verse over and over and sure enough, I did not have any temptation to have one. I did get one of their new fruit smoothies and I know there's a ton of sugar in those too, but the calories seemed ok. Not something I would have all the time. Just happy I got through it without getting what I would normally get in that darn drive thru.

The only time I felt the urge to eat was when Greg and I got "into it" a bit via email. It didn't last long. And all is well.

My mom gave me her Avenue card tonight and wanted me to get something new to where to a party we are going to this weekend. I had a great time in there all by myself and I wasn't bummed out at all. My size today is a 26. But today is the first day of my new lifestyle. This will take time. I'm in no hurry.

I took the time in the grocery store tonight and read labels.

Small victories.

Day 1 to the rest of my life

I don't have a plan. A Food plan that is and I probably should figure that out the night before. It's 9:32am and so far today I've had 1 cup of coffee, splenda and 1 T of vanilla creamer. Not sure what I'll eat today. Not so hip already on writing down my food. What's that saying..."fail to plan is a plan to fail". Yeah, that's me.

On to the verse of the week. Matthew 6:33, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well".

Some of the things I have highlighted in my First Place book about this verse:

- God wants First Place in our lives.
- Loving God halfheartedly is not enough.
- Commitment to Him my life will be forever changed.
- If Christ is not First Place in my thoughts, plans and actions, then what is?

In 2009 I had written, Facebook Parentguide and Food.

Today I write Computer, GoodLiving, talking on the phone and Facebook. Well, food has to go in there too. So all these things are first in my life and not God. No wonder I have grown to an all time high of !@#$%. Let's just say I'm pushing a size 26/28. Ugh...

Jesus doesn't tell us that he will meet some of our needs, but he will meet ALL of our needs. Do I believe this to be true? YES. YES. I believe Lord.

Saying that Christ is First Place in my life and actually living with Christ in First Place are two different things.

Lord, I trust you. I believe you. God, help me to remember this. And please help me to put YOU first this week. Thank you for your promise to meet all my needs this week. Amen!

Here's what I'm thinking...

Here's what I'm considering. Or rather praying about. Or am I just giving myself room to not commit or am I already planning my escape?

Bottom line - Calories in, calories out.
Bottom line - Exercise
Bottom line - I must dig deep and clean out the coop.
Bottom line - Memorize scripture.

The plan - write down my food. Take one topic each week and write about it. For example, my childhood, my dad, Bella, my marriage, my mother and so on. Memorize one scripture each week relating to temptation and putting Christ first. And get moving!!

So, when does this start? Oh, aren't Mondays good days for that? Well, that is doing what I always do and delaying so maybe I'll do things different this time. I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow is Wednesday July 28th and it's the first day to the rest of my life.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!

The Perfect Body

Doesn't exist.

It's no where to be found.

That body is only in movies and magazines.

After spending most of our weekend poolside at the Omni Hotel in Orlando, I realized that the perfect body doesn't exist. Or, at least, it's not found in Orlando. Although I did have my moments of insecurity (very few moments), I made sure to never show that to my children. I swam, I jumped, I floated down the lazy river. Oh, that was heaven on earth!! I enjoyed every moment with my children. Well, not exactly, every moment, but you know what I mean.

I do struggle looking at our pictures from the weekend. Is that really me?



I sit here tonight drinking a bud light with lime and sneaking mini powered donuts every few minutes, hoping nobody sees me, and I wonder how this weight will ever come off?

I look at these pictures and think "I am happy", I really am. I don't feel lost or sad or miserable. I am very much happy. I just know that this isn't the life my God has planned for me. And I know I am not living each day to it's utmost potential. And I know my husband isn't proud to walk side by side with me. I mean, how could he be proud? I'm certainly not the girl he married.

I think I'm going to call it an early night tonight. I would like to get into the habit at least before school starts to get up early. Like before the kids get up so I can have some time with God. I'm not saying that I'm starting that tomorrow, but at least want to start going to bed earlier.

Also, it's been a great weekend and I am wiped!!

Breaking Free

Find Satisfaction in God - Overcome Idolatry

That is the title to this mini booklet that I have on Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I did "sort of" do this study once before, but like with most of the bible studies I do, I attend the weekly gathering, but don't pick up the book or do my homework during the week. Kind of like I was in high school, but that's another subject.

Beth notes Isaiah 55:2 which says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare".

This verse has nothing to do with money, but everything to do with finding satisfaction in God rather than the world. It's about contentment. It's about the peace that surpasses all understanding and I only receive this from the Lord. God is whispering in my ear, "me first, me first". And I casually ignore him. Putting so many other things first.

Beth Moore believes that, "God creates a nagging dissatisfaction in everyone for an excellent reason". Only God can satisfy our need completely. That aching, that tugging, that loneliness. I have spent my life searching everywhere, with everyone else, using so many things to find that contentment, but ultimately it boils down to my relationship with the Lord. I know this. Why do I fight it? Is it because I don't have a personal relationship with my earthly father and I have never had a close relationship with him? Is it because I have never been close to any father figure. My first father figure in my life was my grandfather. Oh, how my heart aches for him sometimes. My grandfather died in 2005 and it was right smack in the middle of my husband and my "troubled times" (another post). I have still not cried about the loss of my grandfather - the one father figure I did have in my life.

It seems that over the last few days I have touched on some things that I need to go deeper with. And someone has even suggested that I dig this stuff out and clear out the coop yet it's like I am casualy ignoring the subject. The subject of my relationship with my daughter, my mom, my childhood memories, or lack thereof, and now my grandfather comes up. I need to go here. I really do. But I'm shutting down.

So back to my original topic with Beth Moore and Breaking Free and the subject of Idols. Food has been my idol and it's a sin. I wear my sin on the outside for everyone to see. My Christian brothers and sisters can see that I am weak, a failure, confused about scripture, whatever. It's obvious that I'm not seeking HIM first. I'm more embarrassed than ashamed because as a Christian, shouldn't I know better?

"Can you see the strong tie between our quest for satisfaction and the worship of idols? The void God created in our lives for Himself will demand attention. We look desperately for something to satisfy us and fill the empty places. Our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it" ~ Beth Moore

So as I read from this little booklet, my prayer tonight is for God and only God fill me up and leave me completely satisfied in only YOU.

Breaking Free,
JEN

Sighs make me crazy.......

I just received a call from my mom. She was put off by something that wasn't done and her tone and "sighs" and totally disappointment through me for a loop. I cannot stand to have this icky stuff with my mom. I hate that she makes those sighing sounds, and I hate when she gets all dramatic. I take on these feelings and it drives me crazy. How does it make me feel? Ugh...here's that feeling thing. I feel annoyed, mad, frustrated. I don't really know. I know I have so many issues that go back to my mom.

My mom divorced my dad when I was 6 months old. she said she needed to "find herself". She fell out of love and that was it. My Dad was shocked and didn't want it to happen. She left - we went to the Panama Canal Zone where my family was at the time then when I was 5 she decided that we move to Los Angeles so she can be an actress. I met my dad for the first time when I was 9. Not sure why so many years went by. I get bummed out when I think about my mom leaving my dad and for what? I have children now and my husband and I have been through so much together that you don't just up and leave. We have fought and fought and fought for our marriage and I know our children will have a better life for it. I wonder what my life would of been like if my mom and dad stayed together. I know my mom did the best she could being a single mother, but it bums me out that I don't have many childhood memories. I get mad at her for that. Should I get mad at her for that? Why is it that I have no childhood fond memories. My first memories are adult parties in L.A. with drinking and pot smoking. My memories are of food. Being alone, a latch key kid and eating. I also remember at 9 years old stealing my mom's cigarettes are pouring a scotch and water and sitting at the table doing my homework. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, but just the act of it. I remember our apartment in L.A. and my memory sees it very dark. I can remember the layout and my room. I had a big room. But there is so little that I remember. Maybe I need to start here. At my earliest memories. Maybe digging deep is about getting this stuff out from my childhood. But what stuff? I don't have any memory of being abused or molested or neglected. Me being a "latch key" kid - was that neglect. I would never leave my children home alone now a days. It's such a different time. But that was Reseda, Ca. where we lived and it wasn't the greatest neighborhood either.

I don't want to be mad at my mom or have resentment towards her. I need to forgive her. Did she really do anything wrong? She was a single parent, an actress, raising a child. Wasn't that hard enough. Am I just making excuses? I just don't know.

Forgiveness.

Did I mention my mom has a fatal illness and she may not be around to see my children get married? That bums me out too. I feel bad for getting mad at her when she is dealing with her illness. Now I take on the guilt and the shame for even feeling that way.

Hopefully I won't go eat.

A Good Day...

It was a good day. I didn't think about food all day. I didn't feel hunger either though. My morning consisted of burnt french toast, the Aunt Jemima kind. Yummy, no syrup, just powdered sugar. Then for lunch we went through Taco Bell on the way to Chanda's to go swimming. Two bean burritos. Then for dinner I made a WW chicken recipe. It was good. Not great. But I would make it again. I noticed that my head wasn't thinking about food like it normally does. Not sure what the difference was here. Maybe because I wasn't home, and we were busy. OR maybe it was because I didn't start it out eating so much sugar. Not sure physiologically what it is, but it was probably more of a spiritual thing. Prayer will work above anything else. I know this, but I must believe it 100%.

I pray that I dig alittle deeper on my little blog here. I want to write more and get some of these crazy thoughts out of my head. I think it would make a difference if I turn to prayer and to my blog to write, then I won't run to the food. Tonight I had some time to myself while Greg took the kids out and Jackson was sleeping. The minute they left I thought about those darn french toasts. I wanted something sweet. I did a lap around the cupboards and realized that there was nothing in the house so I went about my sweeping of the kitchen floors. I thought about it while I swept the floor. Why did I want something sweet? It was really a passing thought. And my grandmother used to always say to me, "wait 5 minutes and the taste won't even be in your mouth anymore". Was that really true? Oh my grandma. I think alot of my "food issues" stems from spending many summers with my grandparents in Dothan Alabama. Some of my earliest memories are with my grandma weighing me every morning. It was she that put me on my first diet at 9 years old. Gosh, I hope I don't ever do that to Bella. Bella constantly is asking about food. It drives me crazy. Today I even yelled at her and said "what do you think will happen to you if you don't eat something right at this very moment". It's just so frustrating. I get really mad at her for always asking about food.

So, I guess I've touched on a few things in this post that I probably need to dig a little deeper with. My grandma, my Bella and of course "digging deeper".

Lord, I pray that I dig deeper in your word and in my spirit. I pray to hold on to your promises and to believe them. Lord, please help me from making excuses. Help me to serve only YOU Father. For you have promised to always be with me, to hold me by my hand, to guide me with Your word and direction and then to take me to your Glory. Father, I want to give you all the Glory in all that I do. Guide me Father. Show me your will and your ways. In your son's precious name!

Amen!

Hunger

I don't ever feel hunger.

Not once today did I have the feeling of hunger. I just don't allow that to happen. Not once today did I feel upset or depressed or down yet I ate and ate and ate. Tomorrow my goal is to only eat when I feel hunger. And to write it down.

And now I feel myself shutting down and not wanting to write. When will this stop. Maybe this isn't for me! Who knows.

Until we meet again.....

Ending the day

So then I end the day with a healthy weight watchers chicken & rice recipe. After the crap eating day I just had and I go out like that. Yay for me.

Did I just write that out loud?

I just put a goal in writing on another blog! Did I really do that? Erin at homeswheremyheartis.blogspot.com/ asked if we had any goals? So I decided to answer. Whats the harm in that right? So I said that I would write down my food tomorrow. Can you stand it? One whole day. I just hope I remember to do it. Can you remind me please?

It's the Best Day Ever!!!

We heard that phrase the past three days and it was wonderful. It truly was an awesome time at the Nick Hotel. We all had a great time. Parents included. There was so much for every one of us to do. I will be writing a story for our magazine for the Good Adventures section. I did feel comfortable after all at the pool. I didn't hesitate or think too much about it at all. I was there for the kids and I didn't want to hold them back. My food choices overall weren't very good - but hey, we were on vacation right? I am hoping to make a food plan for the week and stick to it. More will be revealed about that. I did not take many pictures of me and we did not get any family pictures taken. I thank God for His many Blessings. We so do not deserve all you give. I am humbled by your daily Grace!!

Praying for his mind....

Lord, I pray for Greg’s mind and protection. Please shield him from all lies of the enemy. Show him how to take every thought captive Father. Help him to recognize his wrong thinking. May Greg never be broken in spirit, but instead may he have a spirit of Joy. In Jesus Name.

Pain

There is cr^p everywhere in my house. Everywhere that I look. Yet, I walk over it. I don't bend down to get it because it hurts to bend. It hurts to move. My feet hurt so badly. I went to bed so early the other night because the thought of getting out of bed and stepping on the floor and moving was too much to bare at the end of the day. You would think that would be motivation for me.

We are going to Nickelodeon Hotel on Sunday. They have this incredible pool with slides. Like 3 pools actually. Last time we were there in November it was so cold so the kids didn't get to experience the pools. So now we are going just so they can experience it. Not to mention, I have to write a story too for the magazine.

I think the title will be "Diary of a fat mom swimming with Dora". Or something like that. Just kidding really.

I really don't think anyone will be looking at me. I think they will be looking at their kids or the hot mom in the bikini. I'm sure most people will not want to lay eyes on me. Who I am most embarrassed to see me in my bathing suit is my husband. I am not the wife he met, let alone married. I have let myself go completely. I feel sorry for him actually. I don't think it's fair that I've done this. Yes, he's put on weight too, but it's not the same. Lord, help me!

Strongholds

Stronghold - A stronghold is an incorrect thinking pattern that has molded itself into our way of thinking. These strongholds have the capability to affect our feelings, how we respond to various situations in life, and they play a large role in our spiritual freedom.

So basically, these are the lies that I believe each and every day. Sometimes every single moment. There are so many, I don't even know where to start. Are they of Satan. He is the ultimate liar. What reason do I really have to believe these lies? I mean seriously? I am confident, strong, not ugly, and I know I can move mountains when my mind is made up. So, WTH!! What is the problem? Is it that I feel I don't deserve the best life possible. Jesus didn't come to give me "sort of a good life", he came so I can live the most incredible life. The way I live today is just not ok. I truly have to change the way I think. Clear my head. Release the strongholds.

How do you tear down strongholds?

Since strongholds are built upon error and falsehood, it is through the truth that you tear down such faulty thinking patterns. Strongholds are built when we accept and receive error and begin to meditate on them. It forms in our minds what is known as an imagination, that is, a false concept that we believe to be true, but in reality is not. The Bible speaks about these imaginations clearly, and shows us how they can be torn down.

Lord, though I live in the world, I do not wage war as the world does. The weapons I fight with are not the weapons of this world. But they have divine and of you and can only demolish my strongholds. Father, I can do anything through you. Your power can demolish arguments and every negative being and thought against you and against me and what I know I am capable of. Please take captive every thought against the knowledge of you Father and make it obedient to Christ. Enable me Lord! Give me strength to make the best decisions today for my body and my mind. Lord, help me dive into your word today and not to just read it and say it, but to believe it and do it! In Jesus' precious name. Amen!

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

December 2009

Our last family picture together. When will the next one be?

Oh what a feelin'

I found an incredible blog today thanks to Michelle. Wow. I'm going back to the very beginning of this woman's weight loss journey a year ago and reading every post. I can relate to so much. I could of been her. She is me. We are soul sisters. I am inspired. I sit here with tears in my eyes actually feeling some feeling (I think) and yet, I cannot let go completely. And right about this moment I am starting to shut down. stop it. Write Jen. Get it out. So much I read tonight that hits home. Especially the pictures thing. I have been left out of so many family moments because I don't want to get my picture taken. And I love pictures. I love them. I am starting to get emotional, yet I cannot allow myself to feel it completely. I'm starting to distract myself. I'll write again later. Going to find the last family picture we took.

At His Feet....

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. Colossians 2:20-23.

This verse got me today. I am reading Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" and she comments on this verse. You see, if man could truly subdue all his fleshly appetites by the pure power of his own determination, he would simply worship his own will. If the Word of God is about anything at all, it is about God's Will rather than our own. Our liberty is paradoxically discovered through the will of God rather than our own. God will never allow us continued success through our pure fleshly determination to "touch not, taste not, handle not". He knows we would rend up worshiping our own wills and methods. Through his might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of HIs Word, we are empowered to say no to things we should - to our excesses, withholdings, compulsions, and harmful consumptions - and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health.

So basically, it's all HIM. HE is the only way I can do this. I know this. I know this well, but actually accepting it is where I fall short every single day. I must believe that God will do His work inside me. I must trust and believe it. If he gave me Jackson as a true Blessing in God's perfect Will, then why can't he do this through me? It's just so simple. But it's not.

Do you know that right at this moment I am thinking about bread and butter. I want some bread and butter. Why, at this exact moment does this thought come into my head. Aaaahhhhh.

Father, according to Your Word, I was called to be free. Help me not to use my freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, I should serve others in love. Lord, you know the plans you have for me. You have declared that they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Father, I lay at your feet. Please hear my prayers. Amen!

Awe...

I am in awe of so much right now. God, cuz he's way cool and moving big time these days. And Jessica. I love her.

You know, before I write I have so much to say in my head, then the minute I get on here to write about it, I am blank. Stuck. Don't know what to say. What if someone sees it and thinks I'm dumb? Gosh, it's ridiculous really. See, I want to stop writing right this second. The lies in my head keep telling me to stop. That I don't make any sense and that I have nothing to say anyways.

Whatever. Tomorrow is another day.
Love you Lord, my Family and ME.

Digging Deep

Get the shovel out! I'm ready to dig. Yah, right! Not me. I would much rather eat an enormous box of NERDS that I got today at the Dollar Tree. Sugar. Yuck. It is a killer. It literally changes my mood and my mind goes into this black hole. It's dark. It's mean. It's nasty. Why? I know what it does to me.

See, right now, right at this moment I'm ready to end this post and call it a day. I cannot seem to even express my feelings and emotions in writing. Ugh. I feel the wall going up, one by one, brick by brick and I am shutting down. Pausing. Long pauses. Not knowing what to type next. I want to go read someone else's blog, someone else's issues, stories, feelings, so I don't have to look at my own.

Can I do this?

Not sure it worked out so much with Bella updating this blog. She is so like me, it comes and it goes. But today I have seen such incredible power, God's power, in using someone's blog that I am inspired to come here and rant and rave. Just for me. I have my prayer blog that I keep super personal and not open for anyone to see, but this one I thought I would keep about family, but then I found that it was more about me. So, who knows what will come of it. Right now I see incredible freedom from being able to write and let these thoughts out of my head. God is moving!! Oh he is mighty! That's all for now!