Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sighs make me crazy.......

I just received a call from my mom. She was put off by something that wasn't done and her tone and "sighs" and totally disappointment through me for a loop. I cannot stand to have this icky stuff with my mom. I hate that she makes those sighing sounds, and I hate when she gets all dramatic. I take on these feelings and it drives me crazy. How does it make me feel?'s that feeling thing. I feel annoyed, mad, frustrated. I don't really know. I know I have so many issues that go back to my mom.

My mom divorced my dad when I was 6 months old. she said she needed to "find herself". She fell out of love and that was it. My Dad was shocked and didn't want it to happen. She left - we went to the Panama Canal Zone where my family was at the time then when I was 5 she decided that we move to Los Angeles so she can be an actress. I met my dad for the first time when I was 9. Not sure why so many years went by. I get bummed out when I think about my mom leaving my dad and for what? I have children now and my husband and I have been through so much together that you don't just up and leave. We have fought and fought and fought for our marriage and I know our children will have a better life for it. I wonder what my life would of been like if my mom and dad stayed together. I know my mom did the best she could being a single mother, but it bums me out that I don't have many childhood memories. I get mad at her for that. Should I get mad at her for that? Why is it that I have no childhood fond memories. My first memories are adult parties in L.A. with drinking and pot smoking. My memories are of food. Being alone, a latch key kid and eating. I also remember at 9 years old stealing my mom's cigarettes are pouring a scotch and water and sitting at the table doing my homework. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, but just the act of it. I remember our apartment in L.A. and my memory sees it very dark. I can remember the layout and my room. I had a big room. But there is so little that I remember. Maybe I need to start here. At my earliest memories. Maybe digging deep is about getting this stuff out from my childhood. But what stuff? I don't have any memory of being abused or molested or neglected. Me being a "latch key" kid - was that neglect. I would never leave my children home alone now a days. It's such a different time. But that was Reseda, Ca. where we lived and it wasn't the greatest neighborhood either.

I don't want to be mad at my mom or have resentment towards her. I need to forgive her. Did she really do anything wrong? She was a single parent, an actress, raising a child. Wasn't that hard enough. Am I just making excuses? I just don't know.


Did I mention my mom has a fatal illness and she may not be around to see my children get married? That bums me out too. I feel bad for getting mad at her when she is dealing with her illness. Now I take on the guilt and the shame for even feeling that way.

Hopefully I won't go eat.


  1. Hello,
    Welcome to chris's dig it up and kill school of psychology.
    If it's hindering you..dig it up..and kill it.
    "Should' you be mad at your mom?
    Um, whether you should or not, you are.
    What will it take to let it go?
    IF it takes telling her, then tell her, decide what sort of an answer will do it for you.
    Decide if you are going to forgive her.
    Her choices did have an impact.
    They did.
    The question is:
    How much longer will they?
    As long as you let them.
    Do what you have to, to let it go.
    Digging in that coop is the only way to get rid of the mess. Start with the biggest issue, then work your way down to the smallest.
    Good luck.

  2. Oh, you can dig it up and write about it...yes. I am a christian too. the thing is, you have to do a concrete action to have some closure.I tried for years to just forgive it. But in the bible there is such a thing as righteous anger. Righteous anger is where there was a serious wrong done. A wrong that has damaged a person.
    Think of it this way.
    God forgives us, Yes.
    But first we have to repent.
    There is no forgiveness without repentence.
    Why do you think that is?
    God wants to see our change of heart.
    As his creation, so do we.
    I find it funny that many people say lay it on jesus and just forgive, when Not even God works that way. You can lay your cares on Jesus..he'll help you carry them, but you still need to face them and fix them. If they are fixable. And you won't know that till you try.
    writing it down will help you coalesce what's wrong, but it won't solve anything.
    Yes, you can lay it at the feet of Jesus...but I do believe He said "If you have anything against your brother then take your offering off the alter and hash it out with him, then come back and lay the offering.
    You need to go to the source or the root of your bitterness.
    Or you will never climb over the hump.
    That's my take on it. That's what has worked for me....
    God bless.