I just received a call from my mom. She was put off by something that wasn't done and her tone and "sighs" and totally disappointment through me for a loop. I cannot stand to have this icky stuff with my mom. I hate that she makes those sighing sounds, and I hate when she gets all dramatic. I take on these feelings and it drives me crazy. How does it make me feel? Ugh...here's that feeling thing. I feel annoyed, mad, frustrated. I don't really know. I know I have so many issues that go back to my mom.
My mom divorced my dad when I was 6 months old. she said she needed to "find herself". She fell out of love and that was it. My Dad was shocked and didn't want it to happen. She left - we went to the Panama Canal Zone where my family was at the time then when I was 5 she decided that we move to Los Angeles so she can be an actress. I met my dad for the first time when I was 9. Not sure why so many years went by. I get bummed out when I think about my mom leaving my dad and for what? I have children now and my husband and I have been through so much together that you don't just up and leave. We have fought and fought and fought for our marriage and I know our children will have a better life for it. I wonder what my life would of been like if my mom and dad stayed together. I know my mom did the best she could being a single mother, but it bums me out that I don't have many childhood memories. I get mad at her for that. Should I get mad at her for that? Why is it that I have no childhood fond memories. My first memories are adult parties in L.A. with drinking and pot smoking. My memories are of food. Being alone, a latch key kid and eating. I also remember at 9 years old stealing my mom's cigarettes are pouring a scotch and water and sitting at the table doing my homework. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, but just the act of it. I remember our apartment in L.A. and my memory sees it very dark. I can remember the layout and my room. I had a big room. But there is so little that I remember. Maybe I need to start here. At my earliest memories. Maybe digging deep is about getting this stuff out from my childhood. But what stuff? I don't have any memory of being abused or molested or neglected. Me being a "latch key" kid - was that neglect. I would never leave my children home alone now a days. It's such a different time. But that was Reseda, Ca. where we lived and it wasn't the greatest neighborhood either.
I don't want to be mad at my mom or have resentment towards her. I need to forgive her. Did she really do anything wrong? She was a single parent, an actress, raising a child. Wasn't that hard enough. Am I just making excuses? I just don't know.
Did I mention my mom has a fatal illness and she may not be around to see my children get married? That bums me out too. I feel bad for getting mad at her when she is dealing with her illness. Now I take on the guilt and the shame for even feeling that way.
Hopefully I won't go eat.