Dare

Do I even dare to start this up again? What do I really have to say? I feel like I say everything I need to in my head, then I immediately say, "wow, that's a great blog entry", but then never do it. I don't want to be a writer, I just want to write from my heart and get this stuff out of my head. It doesn't usually make any sense. Does my blog have to have a direction if I'm only doing it for an audience of ONE? I'm not looking for followers or traffic, hits, sponsors - none of that. I just want to write from my heart and be completely real with what is going on. I don't know if it will be all about the family. Maybe just about me. Well, let's see if I even come back tomorrow to write. Until then...

Hello??? Anyone home?

haha, sometimes I crack myself up.

Gosh, I haven't written here in so long and I'm not really sure why. I'm hoping maybe anyone that was coming here regularly has forgotten about my little place here. Really? Why would I hope that? Isn't a blog where you can let everything out and not worry about being judged? I don't know. I knew that some family were reading regularly and it kind of freaked me out and I could feel myself holding back. Can you even believe that though? Me, holding back? Ha!

So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin. And right now at this moment I can feel myself starting to shut down. Like I don't want to do this and let things out on this little page of mine. You know, maybe this just isn't for me. Maybe I'm not a "blogger" of any sorts. Maybe I'm not one to "journal" my feelings. What am I really? Who am I? Gosh, so broad. I know I am a child of the most High God and I know that HE loves me more than my own mama loves me. I know that I am perfect in HIS eyes, but only in HIS eyes. I don't ever feel perfect or loved the way I know my God loves me. I have this incredible feeling of defeat lately and why should I when I have God on my side. I know I was made for so much more than this self defeating attitude that I constantly have. I am pretty miserable most days and I have lost the JOY that I used to have. Actually, did I really ever feel much JOY. Is it all just a front? How can I be this miserable as a Christian? As the daughter of the King? How can this be? UGH... It just is and I have to find my way out of this pit. This pit of despair and defeat. I was made for more than this. Lord help me.

Gosh, I guess I did have some things to say.

Preschool - can you believe it?

Jackson started preschool this week. He's only going a few hours, 2 days a week. It's perfect for him. The other days we are going to Gymboree. Oh, how we are loving that too.

Where does the time go? It's been 2 years!

I loved watching Bella & Gavin seeing their baby brother for the first time. Gavin's first comment was, "Where's the rest of him?". Jackson was so little and bundled up. Bella & Gavin are Jackson's biggest fan. They are the first to ask about Jackson's day and what he did at Gymboree or at preschool. Jackson has brought so much to our family!

And now he's off on his own for a few hours a day to preschool. It's so hard to believe. Life is really about capturing these moments. Moments are the glimpses of time that literally can take our breath away!

Awe

I sit here in awe of my happy family.

Jackson is a hoot. He is constantly putting on a show for us and showing his "cool tricks". Right now as I type he is trying to stand on his head. He is upside down and holding out his arms calling "Gavy Gavy". He also tries to sit inside his play shopping cart. It's hilarious.

I'm in awe of the innocence. The purity. The shear and utter raw love that my children have for me. They have no idea how pretty screwed up I am. Well, maybe Bella and Gavin do, but Jackson, NO way, I'm still perfect in his eyes.

I wonder if this is how my Heavenly Father looks at me? Am I perfect in his eyes? He loves me unconditional regardless of what I do or think. Sometimes I don't think very clean thoughts. My thoughts and actions can be pretty filthy at times. Down right dirty. He loves me anyways.

Father, please forgive me.

I'm praying for the "want to". The "want to" be healthy. Be healthy in my mind, body and spirit.

That would be nice.

Agape

Balance

I've been a mom for 8 years and about 6 of those years I've also worked from home. Primarily doing advertising sales. I love sales. I thrive on the victory of getting the sale and at times it becomes all consuming. Fast forward and now I am helping to publish a family magazine and having to do sales. But also, I'm a wife and mom and I struggle greatly in finding the balance to do it all. Something always suffers. I've never, ever really been good at working from home and caring for my family. My husband has just about begged me over the past few months to just be a mom and a wife and forget doing anything else. Let your work be your family. I have never seemed content though with that. I've always wanted more.

Maybe it's because I'm still looking outside of myself for that satisfaction. When in fact, the Lord, is waiting for me to grab a hold of him and say, "Lead me, guide me, I will follow". In my mind I say my relationship is good with God and I'm all his, but really, in my heart is where I don't always feel it. What is God's purpose for my life? Really, it's to please Him. Am I pleasing him but slacking at home and slacking with my work on the magazine? Am I pleasing HIM by not taking care of myself and spending countless hours on this box of a time machine? Definitely not pleasing to Him.

The verse that comes to mind is in Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have been wandering around in this hill country long enough; turn to the north."

It's like, "you've been making the same mistake over and over again, now do something". That's what I hear. I've been trying to do this work at home thing and stay at home mom thing for YEARS, YEARS, and I have never really done it successful and with balance.

That is where I'm at today. I am praying for direction and guidance. Lord, what do you want me to do? What am I called to do? I love being home with my kids and being here for my family, I do, but I need more. I need to feel appreciated in all that I do and sometimes, there is absolutely no fulfillment in being a stay at home mom. Sometimes it down right sucks. Lord, ultimately, I know my grand fulfillment must come from you. I was made for more Father, and in you I know I can achieve balance.

I believe you Father.

100

Today is my 100 post! That's kind of a big deal for me considering I'm the Queen of inconsistency. Grant it, it's taken me over a year to get to this 100 post, but it's here. My prayer is that I continue to come here to just let out my heart and share what's on my mind.

Yesterday the kids and I paid a visit to our old Church. A Church that broke our hearts actually and a Church I haven't been to in over a year. I hadn't heard this Pastor since then. I wasn't sure how I would feel seeing him up on that stage. But, as usual, he gave an incredible performance. He is an awesome teacher and this place puts on such a great show. Seriously, this Church is just a show. It's kind of empty otherwise, except for the thousands of people that flock to see the show. I really did get a lot out of what he preached, but then it was also kind of Christianity LITE. It was a good reminder though. He talked about Faith and there is nothing we can DO to earn our right way with God. The work has already been DONE. It was done by Jesus on the cross. And for that, AMEN! Religion tells us that we have to go to Church and we have to dress nice, and we have to sing hymns and we have to get up and down and do some sign across our chest, then kneel and bend and blah blah blah. Gosh, I'm tired just thinking about it. Faith is Faith. It's Trusting in something or someone without knowing all the facts. It's trusting and doubting at the same exact time. It's believing in something and someone that you cannot see. But you know, you know in your heart that HE is working in your life and HE is guiding you and blessing you all the more.

Yesterday was a reminder that I don't need the Sunday morning show. It was confirmation of how much I love our little Church, Experience Church. It was knowing that we are right where we need to be and my commitment is with Experience. It just doesn't get any better than that!

Transformed

I've been thinking lately about my header up there and the little tag line I have. I sometimes wonder if it's appropriate for my life. I mean, I WANT to be transformed, but I think I am hardly there. Sometimes I feel renewed, but not always. But that's ok, right? Redeemed, hmmm, I just don't know.

I want to kind of digest the word Transform for a bit. Some definitions say that transform is to change the form or outward appearance of; to change the condition, nature, or function of; convert; to change the personality or character of.

In some ways I have transformed. Especially in my mind and heart.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 12:2, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. NIV"

I love the New Living Translation, Don't "copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

Our transformation starts in our minds.

The first year I was saved, I worried and worried about things of this world, especially money. Today, I know that God is our provider and HE has worked in our lives so much. To see God pull off the unimaginable is truly a remarkable experience. I sit back in awe of HIM over and over again. Another transformation that has started in my mind is to be content regardless of our circumstances. This is truly a God given miracle for me to feel content regardless of what is happening in our lives.

Then there is the physical transformation. Oh Lord, please help me. My physical transformation journey is highlighted in the recent issue of GoodLiving Magazine.

My Story:

Jen
My story began on Nov 2nd when I sat
in my primary care doctor’s office and
saw what the number on the scale was
screaming back at me. It was such a
shock. But really, was it? I knew that I was
getting bigger and bigger. I could feel it
with every step that I took.

Some days I would wonder if this was the
day I would have a heart attack. OR even
worse, was this the day my kids would be
embarrassed of me because their Mama
is FAT. Sometimes I think that struggle
is harder to handle than the medical
struggle. I knew from that moment in my
doctor’s office that I could not do this on
my own. I had to surrender completely
and wrote on my blog that day, “Not sure
what it’s going to take for me to pull it
together. I am extremely uncomfortable.
My breathing is shallow. I have heart
palpitations. My knees and feet hurt
so badly. My lungs wheeze. What else?
Physically I am dying. I was made for so
much more.”

Th e very next day I wrote, “Today God
answered a huge prayer. A few weeks ago
I started to walk into this martial arts
studio about 40 seconds from my house.
I chickened out. I’ve been stalking their
website for weeks reading about their
KUT program: nine weeks of kickboxing,
fitness, exercise, nutrition, etc. I started
praying about it and asking God if I
should share my story in the magazine.
Do I want to expose myself so much?”

That was the day I received a call from
a lady named Vickie who had just been
given an issue of GoodLiving and she
was calling to get information. Just as
God works miracles every day, he made
it possible for me to start their program.
I started my KUT class the very next
day at 6 a.m.

It’s funny how God worked this out,
because there’s a catch. I had to commit
to early mornings and I’ve always
struggled with getting up early. Th e only
time that worked for me was 6 a.m. Th e
class consists of a 10-minute stretch; 35
minutes of cardio kickboxing then cool
down. On Tuesday and Thursday we
have a power bands class that focuses on
upper & lower body.

KUT stands for Kickboxers Ultimate
Training and I’ve always loved Kickboxing.
Remember, Tae Bo with Billy
Blanks? Long ago, I was all over that VHS
series. I feel empowered and strong
when I’m punching and kicking that
bag. The encouragement and support
from Vickie and the other women in
the class is unlike any other “work out”
experience I have had. Needless to say,
walking in to the studio each day is a
HUGE challenge. I am especially cranky
when I get there, but at the end, Vickie
reminds us that we did something really good
for ourselves and that we should be proud.
That comment alone makes it all worth it.
In just a few short weeks I feel so much
better. I can move a little easier and I’m not
so short on breath. Being healthier is my
long term goal. It will take a year to lose
the weight I need to lose and I’m ok with
that. I plan to be kickboxing for a long
time and will definitely keep you posted.

More about the KUT program at TOPS
Martial Arts in Clearwater: KUT has been
scientifically designed to quickly and effectively
burn away unwanted fat and replace
it with lean, sculpted, flexible muscle.
What’s even better is KUT offers every
participant the individual attention and
professional expertise necessary to help
anyone reach health and fitness goals that,
up until now, may have seemed impossible.

Great start

It's been a great start to my week and we're just a few hours in. I arose great this morning for kickboxing. It had been weeks since being on vacation and I wasn't too sure how it would work out this morning, but I woke with a skip in my step and ready for the day. I'm really looking forward to the Made to Crave webcast tonight. I wanted to share some things that Lysa shared today on her P31 blog.

1. The scale can measure your physical weight but never your worth as a woman. Do you know that? I mean do you know it the second you step on that scale and start calling yourself names you’d never let other people call you?

2. You are more than a sum total of your tastebuds. Remind yourself when you think you want that unhealthy food option that only your tastebuds want that… your heart doesn’t want that candy bar. Your arms don’t want those french fries. Your brain doesn’t want those chips. Your hiney doesn’t want that cheesecake.

Only your tastebuds want that… so let your arms, brain, heart and hiney boss your tastebuds around. Let majority rule!

3. Nothing tastes as good as peace feels. Sweet sister, God made you to walk in His peace. You were made to consume food but food was never supposed to consume you. Of all the things Jesus has asked the Holy Spirit to remind us, peace was first on His list!

“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid,” (John 14: 26-27).

Ask yourself, “Is this food option going to add to my peace or take away from it? Because, nothing tastes as good as peace feels!”

I know victory is possible. I must lean on HIS Truth and Grace.

Why blog and Relationships

I haven't wanted to write lately. I'm starting to question why I even want to? I think it began with knowing and realizing that people actually read this. I realized that this is "out there" for anyone to read. But isn't that the point? I say that I am doing this for me and my family and to be able to document my daily life, struggles, challenges, happy times, etc... But knowing that there may be people that know me who read this makes me feel unsure of doing it. I know it's crazy because I totally put myself out there on facebook and I have no problem doing that. I'm just as real there as I am here, so what is the difference? I don't really know. I'm praying about it.

I've been thinking about my "theme" for 2011 and what keeps coming to mind is "relationships". I want to nurture my relationships, especially with my daughter. I want to dig deep in my relationships and be truly authentic and transparent. I don't want to hide under the many masks that I sometimes still wear.

Synonyms for Relationship include, connection, affiliation, rapport, bond, liaison, link, correlation, association. I think connection and bond strick me the most. I want to bond with my daughter and I want to connect with her. I want to connect more with my girlfriends and not be the perfect narcissistic loving friend. Apparently I'm a dream friend for a narcissist because I'm all about them and when it comes to digging deeper with me I tend to back down.

Relationship - behavior or feelings toward somebody else: the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another

So blogging and relationships may be on task for 2011.

And as my husband would say "2011 is for Heaven".

I think THAT relationship might be the most important one. My relationship with my Lord and Savior. He's the one I need to dig the deepest with.

1 Peter 5:6,7; Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.