Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Hello??? Anyone home?

haha, sometimes I crack myself up.

Gosh, I haven't written here in so long and I'm not really sure why. I'm hoping maybe anyone that was coming here regularly has forgotten about my little place here. Really? Why would I hope that? Isn't a blog where you can let everything out and not worry about being judged? I don't know. I knew that some family were reading regularly and it kind of freaked me out and I could feel myself holding back. Can you even believe that though? Me, holding back? Ha!

So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin. And right now at this moment I can feel myself starting to shut down. Like I don't want to do this and let things out on this little page of mine. You know, maybe this just isn't for me. Maybe I'm not a "blogger" of any sorts. Maybe I'm not one to "journal" my feelings. What am I really? Who am I? Gosh, so broad. I know I am a child of the most High God and I know that HE loves me more than my own mama loves me. I know that I am perfect in HIS eyes, but only in HIS eyes. I don't ever feel perfect or loved the way I know my God loves me. I have this incredible feeling of defeat lately and why should I when I have God on my side. I know I was made for so much more than this self defeating attitude that I constantly have. I am pretty miserable most days and I have lost the JOY that I used to have. Actually, did I really ever feel much JOY. Is it all just a front? How can I be this miserable as a Christian? As the daughter of the King? How can this be? UGH... It just is and I have to find my way out of this pit. This pit of despair and defeat. I was made for more than this. Lord help me.

Gosh, I guess I did have some things to say.

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