Made to Crave more than just food

5:45am came awfully early this morning. I couldn't believe it though, I got up. Thankfully I put out my clothes and shoes the night before. I have to do this every night. I know it will make a difference. Another Amen is that the studio is only a few seconds away if I make the light. I am so grateful for that.

Yaro - that is the teachers name. He has this gigantic smile at 6am. And his favorite word is "double time". You know what that's like when you're doing squats? Oh, goodness, what have I gotten myself into?

This is a journey. Each day is a gift from God. Another day that I didn't die from killing myself with food. Another day to draw closer to HIM. And boy was I praying with every stretch and pull.

It was hard. But I did it.

A few hours later and I feel great. Thank you Lord for getting me up and motivated today.

I received an advance copy of Lysa Terkeurst new book, Made to Crave. I think she wrote this book with me in mind. And it is incredible to me that it arrived yesterday. The same day that I got a call from Vickie from the studio and on the same day that Pam and I decided to write the story about my journey to good living.

I'll probably be quoting a lot from the book. She talks about how hard it was to admit that she relied on food more than she relied on God. She (me) craved food more than God. Wow, isn't that hard to admit? Could I ever admit that to my friends, my Christian friends? The thing is, is that it is very clear and obvious that I looked to food as my comfort rather than my God as my comfort. My sin is always right out there in front for everyone to see.

Now I need to reflect on the times that food was my comfort, reward, Joy, stress, sadness, happiness. I need to reflect on times in my life where I put food before me in these times. Now is another tough part - digging deep. Digging deep and remembering these times. Here is where I want to shut off, or rather, shut down the computer. Lord, I can do all things, I am more than a conqueror and I was made for more than this. Lord, help me.

I don't have many childhood memories. I do have memories though that are around food as a child. I remember being home alone A LOT and eating. Eating whatever was there. I always wanted to play "restaurant" at my friends house next door because they always had better food. Ironically enough, my mom would not buy ice cream, cookies, etc... and have it in the house very often. But they did. All the time. And I was always eating food at their house. I think food was my comfort growing up because my mom wasn't around. She worked or was out. Food was my friend. It all seems so cliche'. Not sure how to spell that word.

Stress is another time where I find myself grazing through the kitchen. Usually very mindlessly too.

I'm shutting down. Maybe that's enough for now.

Made for more,
JEN

Big Day

Today God answered a huge prayer.

So a few weeks ago I started to walk into this martial arts place off highland, about 40 seconds from my house. I chickened out. I’ve been stalking their website for weeks reading about this KUT program they have. 9 weeks of kickboxing, fitness, exercise, nutrition, etc… I started praying about it and asking if it’s Gods will for me to cover my “journey to Good Living” in the magazine. Did I want to expose myself so much? I left them a message last week to see if there would be any interest. No response.

Today I get a call from Vickie. “Hi, did you give me a magazine at trunk or treat on Sunday”.

OMW – "NO, but Pam my partner did (I guess, I wasn’t there). I left you a message. And I haven’t even told her about you or my idea for the story."

Is this answered prayer?

Tomorrow I start at 6am. It's funny how God works this out, but there's a catch. I have to commit to the mornings. I've always struggled with getting up early, yet, I've always wanted to be up early and exercise in the mornings. And here, it works out, that the only time for me to make this work is by being there at 6am. Come to find out, there are 3 other moms that are in the 6am class.

So instead of wondering if today or tomorrow is the day I'm going to die because my heart can no longer handle all this weight. Today is the day to the rest of my life. Today is the day that I chose to dig deep and have God by my side to guide me on this journey. Today is the day that I crave God and not the food.

It's easier to make excuses than to make changes. I'm tired of all the excuses. God is calling me. It's time to listen!

Please pray for me.

Today is the Day

I go to the doctor for a complete physical. What does that mean really? I want them to run every test they possibly can. I need to see how unhealthy I really am. I know I can look in the mirror and see it, but to me, seeing the numbers from the blood test or having some doctor I don't even know tell me that I am dying a slow death, I think maybe I'll listen. Not sure what it's going to take for me to pull it together. I am extremely uncomfortable. My breathing is shallow. I have heart palpitations. My knees and feet hurt so badly. My lungs wheeze. What else? Physically I am dying.

I was made for so much more.

Enjoy the Puppy

It wasn't love at first sight. But I've watched many the past week just go crazy over this little puppy. Even grown men crumble to pieces at the site of Ruby. Yes, Ruby is her name. I picked out her name. I love her name and I'm starting to love her more.

I was very resentful of Ruby at first. It was a reminder of something else I didn't experience as a child. Along with this time of year, of never carving a pumpkin and yes, never did I have a dog, let alone a puppy. Since Ruby joined the family I've thought a lot about my childhood and how I don't have many fond memories. Nothing that I hold close to my heart with a smile.

The other night Ruby jumped on my lap and she was licking my face and loving on me and I just could not "get it". I was uncomfortable and wanted her to stop. Greg said to me, "Jen, enjoy the puppy, just enjoy the puppy". In that moment I realized that I wasn't allowing myself to really enjoy her. To marvel in the fact that we have this beautiful little puppy. Everyone loves a puppy. Greg reminded me to stop thinking about all that I didn't have growing up, but to enjoy this moment now that our kids are getting to have. "Jen, just enjoy the puppy". So I started to repeat it over and over while loving on Ruby. "Enjoy the puppy, Jen, enjoy the puppy". And slowly the wall started to crumble and I realized what a Joy it is to have this little puppy.

Here's Ruby....



Isn't she precious? I love her!

Forgiven

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been

Sanctus Real

Grace

There's been a lot of talk lately about GRACE. Grace givers, grace sharers and grace haters. But how do you give Grace when you don't like someone? And to make it worse, how do you even share openly that you don't even like someone, being that I am called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and we all know that He likes everyone? So, how do I extend this Grace to people that I don't really like. People that I don't even want to spend a minute alone in a room with? How do I extend the same Grace that I receive daily to those that I don't even think about most days?

That's so not Christ-like.

And this is one of those tough things as a Christian that I struggle with. Among many other things. But this is the flavor this week. GRACE.

Do I truly know what Grace feels like?

Beautiful Grace. That is what this is about right? I take off on my Grace Discovery journey.

Grace is an undeserved free gift, undeserved favor, and undeserved love. (from Seek God).

All of the other religions of the world offer salvation by works. They say if you become good enough you can work your way to God, you must go through procedures and sufferings and rituals to get to God. Some religions say that you can become a god, this appeals to man's pride. Just as when pride entered into Satan and he said, "I will be like the Most High God", and he became God's enemy. The new age religions all pickup on this theme, that you can become a god. It is not new; even in the Garden of Eden Satan tempted Eve by telling her if she ate the fruit that she would become like God. (from Seek God).

(Ephesians 2:8-9 NKJV) For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, {9} not of works, lest anyone should boast. Everything about our relationship with God depends upon us trusting Him in faith, by resting in His grace. We are to come to Him as a little child saying, "Daddy pick me up", and He does, Then He caries us. (Isaiah 46:4 NIV) Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

So what gets in the way of receiving God's Beautiful Grace?

For me...pride, ego, sin, lies. And as a Christian, I experience all of these on a daily basis. So why is it that some of the verses in the bible I take to heart but other verses I choose to ignore? Why is it that so many of us Christians are sitting in our Church pews in so much pain and anger and resentment and pride and still asking for God to Bless us? I'm starting to understand that God cannot bless my life if I am being disobedient to Him. Partial obedience is total disobedience to God.

I don't have the answers.

Toxic Family

Why is it that the family we are born with can really suck sometimes? Not just sometimes but most of the time? Yet, the family that we grow in Christ with is the family that God truly intended for us to be with. Greg and I are so grateful for our spiritual families. Greg got some pretty deep information this weekend about his parents and we're just trying to process it all. My intention is to hurt them and yell and get back at them - totally not Christ like. Greg, in his Godly ways, is processing it and full of prayer and gratitude. Why is it that my reaction is sometimes not the most Christ like reaction at first? I love how some people can immediately stop and pray and listen for what God wants them to do next. I, in other words, I react and get all emotional and want to be right, right, right. It's so annoying. I'm such a work in progress. But aren't we all. Greg knows in his heart that God has intended for all that was done to him to be used for good. Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

In other news... Experience Church launched and it's so awesome. I am excited for what God is doing and going to do.

I hope to get back to coming here and writing. It's that consistency thing.